I'm still finishing finals so life hasn't slowed down much lately.
It's been a tough semester for me. In several ways. But most of all I've realized that the passion I had for the medical field has changed. If I could still be working in Pediatrics as an MA I would be. I miss that. But being a nurse is very different from that. I have been wrestling with what this may mean for my future and have made decisions that feels so much better! The main choice has been to go to an undeclared major. I've been meeting with the career office at the USU campus and have been getting a lot of help. I feel SO much better seeing all the options I have. There is even a test and survey process to help me narrow it. There are several classes I can take to help me decide as well.
There are other things that have been tough this semester. Accepting my reality that I cannot do all that is on my plate. I just cannot. I filled it too full and have suffered the consequences.
It has been really trying on my Spirit. But I am doing so much better the last week. I have a refreshed view of goals and feel like I am more prepared to tackle them. It's a relief!
I'm getting more nervous for NY and excited at the same time. It feels more and more like it is the exact place I should be. Love when that happens!
Christmas Season! Wow! Here it is! The tree and lights are all up and I love it. This time of year is special for many reasons, but I'd like to think that one of the best parts is how we treat each other. I love seeing how we show kindness when are perspective has changed. Christmas time does that to our hearts and I love seeing that.
All of these things involve change. There is a lot of that going on with me and I'm grateful that it doesn't feel scary. That I am moving along and OK with it. That I'm OK with who I am and why I am. I just wish that we all could exchange those same feelings with the rest of man kind. We're all in this together people, you really never know what an impact your words (kind or not) will have on others.
12.09.2010
11.18.2010
Big news!
I've got some scary in some ways and exciting in other ways news. My sister-in-law is due to have a baby next month, a baby girl. They just moved out to NY in September. I am flying out there to help her. And to visit of course :).
Well. BAM. Right? Well it felt like a very good thing do to, and I think it is for many reasons.
One of them being my anxiety. The steps I talked about in my last post, have brought me here. I'm just following what I feel God is guiding me too. It's important to me to improve and I am doing my best. It's been very hard to make these steps. A recent step got me very down and put me through a lot of mental and emotional turmoil, but I'm trying to keep it up anyways. I'm just going to keep on, keepin' on.
Another would be the obvious, to help my sil. This move has been VERY difficult on the whole family, and with that it also has been the right one to make for them. I want to help... I want to DO something! So with the help of my very supportive husband, I'm doing just that. Going.
Another very important one is Isabelle. Who is Isabelle you might wonder.
There is much I could say about Isabelle, but I've put it in the form of an assignment I had for a class this semester. I will just say this much: Isabelle is my sister's daughter but lives with my brother and his wife (who I'm going out to NY to see). I will not go into details though, it's not necessary.
My paper is posted below if you want to read it. I timed it and it'll take you about 10mins to read the whole thing. But I'm not asking you to, I'm just saying that it's an important paper to me because it's an important part of my life. It really changed me.
But we are close and will always be! I took care of her for a time in our lives and it forever changed our relationship. I cannot wait to see them!
Well. BAM. Right? Well it felt like a very good thing do to, and I think it is for many reasons.
One of them being my anxiety. The steps I talked about in my last post, have brought me here. I'm just following what I feel God is guiding me too. It's important to me to improve and I am doing my best. It's been very hard to make these steps. A recent step got me very down and put me through a lot of mental and emotional turmoil, but I'm trying to keep it up anyways. I'm just going to keep on, keepin' on.
Another would be the obvious, to help my sil. This move has been VERY difficult on the whole family, and with that it also has been the right one to make for them. I want to help... I want to DO something! So with the help of my very supportive husband, I'm doing just that. Going.
Another very important one is Isabelle. Who is Isabelle you might wonder.
There is much I could say about Isabelle, but I've put it in the form of an assignment I had for a class this semester. I will just say this much: Isabelle is my sister's daughter but lives with my brother and his wife (who I'm going out to NY to see). I will not go into details though, it's not necessary.
My paper is posted below if you want to read it. I timed it and it'll take you about 10mins to read the whole thing. But I'm not asking you to, I'm just saying that it's an important paper to me because it's an important part of my life. It really changed me.
But we are close and will always be! I took care of her for a time in our lives and it forever changed our relationship. I cannot wait to see them!
My Isabelle
Even as I challenge the sky, the struggle seems too great for my weightless body. The air whips tightly around my face and hair as my speed increases. I’m almost there I feel myself reflect with enthusiasm. There’s no worry here, no responsibility. I hear something familiar in the distance that provokes my curiosity, I must get closer. I speed up the pace I accomplish against the bright sky as the sound grows into something familiar. The control I just had seems to be slipping from me, shifting to a sensation of falling. The sound becomes a voice, her voice. She’s crying, I’ve got to get to her I say to myself, whether in my mind or out loud I could not tell.
I feel my body jolt as a rush of alarm overcame me, only to feel my head firmly against my pillow. I blink my heavy eyes in the darkness looking up to the ceiling. My terrible eye sight evident while squinting for a better view of the glowing shapes above me, bringing me back to reality. Glow in the dark stars. A senior in High School and I still have those on my ceiling. I should’ve got rid of them a long time ago…but she loves them, I smile to myself. As this thought passes through my mind, I remember what woke me. “Isabelle, sweetie” speaking sympathetically into the dark room. Stretching against my bed, I bring my arms over my head and yawn. My hand reaches beneath my pillow in search of the red plastic flashlight I’ve kept there since Isabelle arrived six months ago. Swinging it out to my right, I flip the switch. The dusty tunnel like shape of light stretches across the worn brown sofa where she sleeps, reaching her little shaking frame. The sobs of the 2 ½ year old continue as the light rests on her wet, swollen face. Oh no, she must have been crying for awhile! I exclaim, the thrilling sensation from my dream hastily being replaced by guilt. I rapidly blink, sitting up and take a few strides toward the sofa until I can sit next to her.
“Ok sweetie, Caroline’s awake. I’m here, I got you”, I speak in her warm ear, bringing her toward me. Flashlight still in hand, I wrap her little body into the “ducky blanky” she picked out several months ago, and gently place her on my lap. I feel her arms and legs struggle to embrace me for comfort, and even before she starts to suck her thumb, I know she will. It has always been something that brings her security. My heart aches as I think of all the things that she has and will miss out on. Her future is so uncertain, but for this moment she needs me.
“Shhh, shhh. It’s ok,” I express softly to her, patting her warm sweaty back. I know just what is to be done. “Is it singing time, baby girl?” I ask, clearing my groggy throat. Messing up her honey brown hair even more I feel her nod, her head resting securely against my chest. “Umm, hmm,” she answers, still sucking her thumb. This brings a smile to my face. I begin the first verse of her favorite song, Shenandoah.
As though time stops for me to reflect a moment, flashes of the past year come to my mind. I had a day in my head. My mom sitting down with me after school, explaining that Isabelle would be staying with us. More memories of how we all scrambled to make arrangements to care for our tender Isabelle. I had eventually decided to work as a lunch lady to help with the expenses Isabelle had need of. The comprehension that for now, my mother would not be able to take on the responsibility Isabelle would bring, leaving much of it to rest on me. I remembered how my sisters pulled together a schedule so that I could have help with her during the day.
I sigh to myself as the seconds pass, holding Isabelle and thinking how remarkable it was to feel like a single mom, when I wasn’t. The wound it made, knowing all that we had been through together still didn’t qualify me for that role. I brought Isabelle with me everywhere: to games, to be with friends, even trips to the store. At times it was truly a struggle but it was one I was willing to embrace. Being judged wrongfully by others all too often gave me perspective. Anything I wanted to go and do, she came with me, just as she would if I were her mother. I recalled how heart breaking it was the first time she actually called me mommy, and not knowing how to tell her not to. I remembered that day we somehow knew, as if it had just slipped our minds, where we belonged to each other; I was “Her Cayine” and she “My Isabelle.”
As I began singing the second verse I rubbed her back, feeling her steady breathing, but I knew she was still awake. Sure enough, I felt her eyelashes brushing against my skin as she blinked. I loved that feeling so much. I pictured it perfectly: her eyes would look up at me, index finger wrapped around her petite nose while sucking on her fatigued thumb. Her countenance was an imprint in my mind from the many adoring moments of “snuggle time” we had. Through her tantrums, cheerful times, or tears, that was all she really needed.
I never expected my senior year in High School to become what I felt more and more was life altering for the both of us. Ending the song I had sung to her several times a night, I glance at the red glare of the alarm clock. Squinting I read the numbers 4:23a.m. and sigh comprehensively. I will have to be up in an hour to get ready for the day, pausing in my thoughts to squeeze the little girl in my arms that I would do anything for. I discern my next thought to be very earnest, but for Isabelle, I’m OK with that. I’m in harmony with being what she needs right now. I kiss her untidy hair, slightly brushing my lips against her tender forehead in the process. “I love you sweet baby girl, your Caroline loves you,” I convey to her while the kisses continue. “Yessh,” she replied, persisting to savor her pruney thumb. “You whuve me, we whuve each ovoe. Umm Hmm.” I heard the smile in her response, making me laugh with delight at the sound of her endearing voice. That voice constantly left me feeling elated; she’s so precious to me! This sensitive thought prompting my response of laughter, returned giggles from her.
Feeding off one another’s laughter, I had to hold back the tears. Tears of love, sorrow, and happiness. I LOVE this sweet girl with a new part of my heart. Something that I never knew I could have so soon. I missed my sister. I loved her. I wanted the best for her and her daughter Isabelle
While the mixture of my thoughts closed, still laughing with my niece in my arms, an awe-inspiring emotion came over my heart: I wanted this moment with Isabelle forever and ever! I wanted it to be tangible for me so I could embrace it at once. I wanted to keep her with me. The feeling continued until it seemed to devour me. I knew that we’d always be close no matter what uncertainty or testing lie ahead of us.
There were yet more difficulties of change and growth we shared that year. But we’d got through it together. Little did I know that night, that we would have an exceptional bond to this day, even though thousands of miles separate us. We are significantly close and I will forever be indebted to her for all she has qualified me to become. She is and will always be, my Isabelle.
I feel my body jolt as a rush of alarm overcame me, only to feel my head firmly against my pillow. I blink my heavy eyes in the darkness looking up to the ceiling. My terrible eye sight evident while squinting for a better view of the glowing shapes above me, bringing me back to reality. Glow in the dark stars. A senior in High School and I still have those on my ceiling. I should’ve got rid of them a long time ago…but she loves them, I smile to myself. As this thought passes through my mind, I remember what woke me. “Isabelle, sweetie” speaking sympathetically into the dark room. Stretching against my bed, I bring my arms over my head and yawn. My hand reaches beneath my pillow in search of the red plastic flashlight I’ve kept there since Isabelle arrived six months ago. Swinging it out to my right, I flip the switch. The dusty tunnel like shape of light stretches across the worn brown sofa where she sleeps, reaching her little shaking frame. The sobs of the 2 ½ year old continue as the light rests on her wet, swollen face. Oh no, she must have been crying for awhile! I exclaim, the thrilling sensation from my dream hastily being replaced by guilt. I rapidly blink, sitting up and take a few strides toward the sofa until I can sit next to her.
“Ok sweetie, Caroline’s awake. I’m here, I got you”, I speak in her warm ear, bringing her toward me. Flashlight still in hand, I wrap her little body into the “ducky blanky” she picked out several months ago, and gently place her on my lap. I feel her arms and legs struggle to embrace me for comfort, and even before she starts to suck her thumb, I know she will. It has always been something that brings her security. My heart aches as I think of all the things that she has and will miss out on. Her future is so uncertain, but for this moment she needs me.
“Shhh, shhh. It’s ok,” I express softly to her, patting her warm sweaty back. I know just what is to be done. “Is it singing time, baby girl?” I ask, clearing my groggy throat. Messing up her honey brown hair even more I feel her nod, her head resting securely against my chest. “Umm, hmm,” she answers, still sucking her thumb. This brings a smile to my face. I begin the first verse of her favorite song, Shenandoah.
As though time stops for me to reflect a moment, flashes of the past year come to my mind. I had a day in my head. My mom sitting down with me after school, explaining that Isabelle would be staying with us. More memories of how we all scrambled to make arrangements to care for our tender Isabelle. I had eventually decided to work as a lunch lady to help with the expenses Isabelle had need of. The comprehension that for now, my mother would not be able to take on the responsibility Isabelle would bring, leaving much of it to rest on me. I remembered how my sisters pulled together a schedule so that I could have help with her during the day.
I sigh to myself as the seconds pass, holding Isabelle and thinking how remarkable it was to feel like a single mom, when I wasn’t. The wound it made, knowing all that we had been through together still didn’t qualify me for that role. I brought Isabelle with me everywhere: to games, to be with friends, even trips to the store. At times it was truly a struggle but it was one I was willing to embrace. Being judged wrongfully by others all too often gave me perspective. Anything I wanted to go and do, she came with me, just as she would if I were her mother. I recalled how heart breaking it was the first time she actually called me mommy, and not knowing how to tell her not to. I remembered that day we somehow knew, as if it had just slipped our minds, where we belonged to each other; I was “Her Cayine” and she “My Isabelle.”
As I began singing the second verse I rubbed her back, feeling her steady breathing, but I knew she was still awake. Sure enough, I felt her eyelashes brushing against my skin as she blinked. I loved that feeling so much. I pictured it perfectly: her eyes would look up at me, index finger wrapped around her petite nose while sucking on her fatigued thumb. Her countenance was an imprint in my mind from the many adoring moments of “snuggle time” we had. Through her tantrums, cheerful times, or tears, that was all she really needed.
I never expected my senior year in High School to become what I felt more and more was life altering for the both of us. Ending the song I had sung to her several times a night, I glance at the red glare of the alarm clock. Squinting I read the numbers 4:23a.m. and sigh comprehensively. I will have to be up in an hour to get ready for the day, pausing in my thoughts to squeeze the little girl in my arms that I would do anything for. I discern my next thought to be very earnest, but for Isabelle, I’m OK with that. I’m in harmony with being what she needs right now. I kiss her untidy hair, slightly brushing my lips against her tender forehead in the process. “I love you sweet baby girl, your Caroline loves you,” I convey to her while the kisses continue. “Yessh,” she replied, persisting to savor her pruney thumb. “You whuve me, we whuve each ovoe. Umm Hmm.” I heard the smile in her response, making me laugh with delight at the sound of her endearing voice. That voice constantly left me feeling elated; she’s so precious to me! This sensitive thought prompting my response of laughter, returned giggles from her.
Feeding off one another’s laughter, I had to hold back the tears. Tears of love, sorrow, and happiness. I LOVE this sweet girl with a new part of my heart. Something that I never knew I could have so soon. I missed my sister. I loved her. I wanted the best for her and her daughter Isabelle
While the mixture of my thoughts closed, still laughing with my niece in my arms, an awe-inspiring emotion came over my heart: I wanted this moment with Isabelle forever and ever! I wanted it to be tangible for me so I could embrace it at once. I wanted to keep her with me. The feeling continued until it seemed to devour me. I knew that we’d always be close no matter what uncertainty or testing lie ahead of us.
There were yet more difficulties of change and growth we shared that year. But we’d got through it together. Little did I know that night, that we would have an exceptional bond to this day, even though thousands of miles separate us. We are significantly close and I will forever be indebted to her for all she has qualified me to become. She is and will always be, my Isabelle.
10.12.2010
And here it is
October is a special month. As of 1988, has been dedicated to the loss of babies. It is officially called: SIDS, Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. I'm remembering all the babies born sleeping. Their parents and families who miss them. Those carried but never held. Those held but could not come home. Even the little ones who came home but didn't stay...like my Angel. Remembering these sweet Angels and their families ALWAYS brings me to her. Yay! I LOVE talking about her! She's brought so much to my life. Amazing. My baby has introduced me to what growing up really is.
I miss her each day. But something is different lately. Lately, I've been observing. Observing myself and making a conscious effort to improve. Improve how I remember Naimah. A few posts ago I talked in more detail about it. I seem to have made a promise to not get close to another baby because of selfish reasons. I don't think they are bad reasons though. Not to toot my own horn, but I'm good with babies. Perfect? NO. But, I'm good with little ones and children. I'm more comfortable around them than adults. I've missed the joy in it. I haven't just been depriving myself on purpose. I have been holding on too long to certain pieces of my broken heart.
And if I say so myself, the little ones have missed out too ;). I know how to give. Perfectly? Um, NO. Say what?? In no way am I saying I'm the all knowing super human when it comes to children. Never was. I'm totally fine with that. I'm just working on not give up on all babies because mine is not here. I'm taking baby steps. Ironic? Oh yea! VERY. Taking baby steps to babies, haha.
If Naimah were face to face with me and we could have a conversation about what I've done in her memory, I wouldn't want to tell her I haven't held any babies since I held her for the last time. How would she feel? Honored? As her mother, I think I have every right to assume the answer would be, No. I've done other things to honor her. However, that would not be the word to describe my anxiety and distance I've to allowed to take over.
Pieces of Heaven? Yes, they are. Babies change people. Even if just for a time. That's a power that the most "powerful" beings on earth can't even understand. And babies don't do much more than just show up. They arrive. In whatever shape or form. Maybe they don't stay. Maybe they even leave before they open their eyes. Before they can grow much bigger than a finger. No matter their tender state, they prick our hearts to such an extent that trying to share it with someone who hasn't been there with us, would be in vain.
Have I been wrong? I don't think that matters much. That's not what this is about. I can play the sh/c/would've game all my life. What it is about? Recovery. My "AA/NA" greeting starts something like this "Hi. I'm Caroline, and I'm a mother without the baby to prove it. I've been in recovery for 3 years." But there's no clapping. Just quiet. But I can't just stop going because it's quiet. I need to take it all in. Take in the quiet and roll with it. What's it coming to?
Faith. In what? Myself. That's all? No. But that is this step. The one I've landed on. And I haven't lost my ground. But all of the sudden, this step is so much different than the last one. I didn't change much. But it has changed me. I'm breathing differently.
What you talkin' 'bout gurl? Haha. Well. I'm saying I've gotten my "pin" in this step of my recovery. Something in me has changed. I didn't do anything really but stay consistent with a few things and there it was, staring at me. Am I saying that I'm all cured? No. Who is cured of anything? Come on now. If we know anything about growth, we know it doesn't work that way. It would feel like something is off. I do not like it when things are "off". I sense it.
I'm letting this take me. This step of faith in myself. Trusting myself to grow up again. I'm making the choice and I like what I'm feeling. It is a great sense of freedom to know EXACTLY what you are feeling and know it's right.
I miss her each day. But something is different lately. Lately, I've been observing. Observing myself and making a conscious effort to improve. Improve how I remember Naimah. A few posts ago I talked in more detail about it. I seem to have made a promise to not get close to another baby because of selfish reasons. I don't think they are bad reasons though. Not to toot my own horn, but I'm good with babies. Perfect? NO. But, I'm good with little ones and children. I'm more comfortable around them than adults. I've missed the joy in it. I haven't just been depriving myself on purpose. I have been holding on too long to certain pieces of my broken heart.
And if I say so myself, the little ones have missed out too ;). I know how to give. Perfectly? Um, NO. Say what?? In no way am I saying I'm the all knowing super human when it comes to children. Never was. I'm totally fine with that. I'm just working on not give up on all babies because mine is not here. I'm taking baby steps. Ironic? Oh yea! VERY. Taking baby steps to babies, haha.
If Naimah were face to face with me and we could have a conversation about what I've done in her memory, I wouldn't want to tell her I haven't held any babies since I held her for the last time. How would she feel? Honored? As her mother, I think I have every right to assume the answer would be, No. I've done other things to honor her. However, that would not be the word to describe my anxiety and distance I've to allowed to take over.
Pieces of Heaven? Yes, they are. Babies change people. Even if just for a time. That's a power that the most "powerful" beings on earth can't even understand. And babies don't do much more than just show up. They arrive. In whatever shape or form. Maybe they don't stay. Maybe they even leave before they open their eyes. Before they can grow much bigger than a finger. No matter their tender state, they prick our hearts to such an extent that trying to share it with someone who hasn't been there with us, would be in vain.
Have I been wrong? I don't think that matters much. That's not what this is about. I can play the sh/c/would've game all my life. What it is about? Recovery. My "AA/NA" greeting starts something like this "Hi. I'm Caroline, and I'm a mother without the baby to prove it. I've been in recovery for 3 years." But there's no clapping. Just quiet. But I can't just stop going because it's quiet. I need to take it all in. Take in the quiet and roll with it. What's it coming to?
Faith. In what? Myself. That's all? No. But that is this step. The one I've landed on. And I haven't lost my ground. But all of the sudden, this step is so much different than the last one. I didn't change much. But it has changed me. I'm breathing differently.
What you talkin' 'bout gurl? Haha. Well. I'm saying I've gotten my "pin" in this step of my recovery. Something in me has changed. I didn't do anything really but stay consistent with a few things and there it was, staring at me. Am I saying that I'm all cured? No. Who is cured of anything? Come on now. If we know anything about growth, we know it doesn't work that way. It would feel like something is off. I do not like it when things are "off". I sense it.
I'm letting this take me. This step of faith in myself. Trusting myself to grow up again. I'm making the choice and I like what I'm feeling. It is a great sense of freedom to know EXACTLY what you are feeling and know it's right.
8.23.2010
8.16.2010
4 years today!
It's fun for me to remember the day we got married. We had our reception the night beforehand. Remembering those days is so nice.
There I am with my nieces, poor girls! They didn't wanna be away from their mommies!
A year later, to the very day, we could've never imagined what we would be doing...
It's really amazing all that you cannot comprehend you will experience in life. How much you plan and plan but at any moment it could change. For better or worse.
People have asked me how I feel about sharing our wedding anniversary with our daughter's burial date. My answer is always the same. We feel honored to share anything with her. There was so much irony, it was/is strange at times. Every year we remember, but we celebrate our marriage too. She has everything to do with it and we are proud to be her parents.
The most difficult thing we've every experienced in marriage wasn't due to our relationship as a couple. Yet it has brought our hearts and souls VERY close together. It has seasoned our marriage quickly in several ways and I am just that much more in love with Emil through it all.
This weekend we just played it cool. We didn't pack up to go anywhere. We got two extra days off and just did things we've been wanting to do for a while! We went to SLC, had a Harry Potter marathon, got massages, went to Bear Lake, rode bikes and I'll be making some fabulous spaghetti for a candle light dinner tonight.
So, we've been married 4 years today! I've mentioned this before but I'll say it again, it has been more fun than hard, more laughter than tears, and more growth than anything else I've done! It has been FUN. That is the word I would use to describe marriage more than ANY other. It is so much FUN.
There I am with my nieces, poor girls! They didn't wanna be away from their mommies!
A year later, to the very day, we could've never imagined what we would be doing...
It's really amazing all that you cannot comprehend you will experience in life. How much you plan and plan but at any moment it could change. For better or worse.
People have asked me how I feel about sharing our wedding anniversary with our daughter's burial date. My answer is always the same. We feel honored to share anything with her. There was so much irony, it was/is strange at times. Every year we remember, but we celebrate our marriage too. She has everything to do with it and we are proud to be her parents.
The most difficult thing we've every experienced in marriage wasn't due to our relationship as a couple. Yet it has brought our hearts and souls VERY close together. It has seasoned our marriage quickly in several ways and I am just that much more in love with Emil through it all.
This weekend we just played it cool. We didn't pack up to go anywhere. We got two extra days off and just did things we've been wanting to do for a while! We went to SLC, had a Harry Potter marathon, got massages, went to Bear Lake, rode bikes and I'll be making some fabulous spaghetti for a candle light dinner tonight.
So, we've been married 4 years today! I've mentioned this before but I'll say it again, it has been more fun than hard, more laughter than tears, and more growth than anything else I've done! It has been FUN. That is the word I would use to describe marriage more than ANY other. It is so much FUN.
8.11.2010
8.09.2010
My Rainbow
Emil and I chose this song for a track on our Wedding video.
One year later, we decided to use as the song for Naimah's video played at her funeral.
The tears are a constant whenever I hear it. Sometimes I just can't listen to it.
Tomorrow will mark 3 years since Naimah passed away. I love this song. It will always remind me of the love I have for Emil and our daughter.
My wish? That she could be in my arms. My reality? She can't be.
It hurts. So much. Even so, I have comfort knowing she is my rainbow, my dream that I dream of. She is where the clouds are far behind me, where troubles melt like lemon drops. She's that sweet bluebird that I'm waiting for. That sweet rose to bloom. She's happy and safe. So I take my heart to these places. I think of her. Remember her smell, her little toes, her beautiful eyes, and just stay there. It's my "happy" place if you will. And that is what makes my world wonderful. Just knowing that she's not all that far away.
My heart just bursts with love for her. For every bit of her.
One year later, we decided to use as the song for Naimah's video played at her funeral.
The tears are a constant whenever I hear it. Sometimes I just can't listen to it.
Tomorrow will mark 3 years since Naimah passed away. I love this song. It will always remind me of the love I have for Emil and our daughter.
My wish? That she could be in my arms. My reality? She can't be.
It hurts. So much. Even so, I have comfort knowing she is my rainbow, my dream that I dream of. She is where the clouds are far behind me, where troubles melt like lemon drops. She's that sweet bluebird that I'm waiting for. That sweet rose to bloom. She's happy and safe. So I take my heart to these places. I think of her. Remember her smell, her little toes, her beautiful eyes, and just stay there. It's my "happy" place if you will. And that is what makes my world wonderful. Just knowing that she's not all that far away.
My heart just bursts with love for her. For every bit of her.
7.28.2010
6.22.2010
Naimah's Video :)
We are headed to Lindon to visit her little grave, it's gonna be a tough but sweet day. Hope you like the pictures, she sure is BEAUTIFUL.
6.21.2010
3 yrs old
Oh sweet baby girl, how mommy and daddy miss you. We love you more all the time. Thank you for what you have shown us this year. Thank you for staying close and always watching us. Even if it is hard to watch us stumble, we really are trying our best to live up to the gift of being your parents. Happy Birthday our sweet Angel Naimah!
Our hearts are yours, always.
Love,
Mommy & Daddy
6.18.2010
Memory
This is what we did last year for Naimah's Birthday...it was nice and fun.
We are NOT pronounced singers or anything, this is just something we wanted to share because we are nice...and have good self esteem! haha!
We are NOT pronounced singers or anything, this is just something we wanted to share because we are nice...and have good self esteem! haha!
6.15.2010
It's coming
Naimah's Birthday is next Tuesday. I am really missing her. As usual...but oh SO very much lately. She would be three. Three!! Wow.
I'm kind of embarrassed that I'm still having the issues I'm having, after almost 3yrs. But I knew I needed more help. So, I've been going to counseling for almost 2 months now. It's been really wonderful. But really, really hard too. I know things are just as they should be, that Naimah left when she was suppose to. But that doesn't change my human mind and heart. I've "collected" compulsions to deal with my healing that are hurting my future.
Before the trauma of Naimah's death, and all that took place, I was the Aunt who babysat! I LOVED it! I held babies ALL the time! I'm not kidding. When I was at church, I was always holding someone's baby. Always babysitting, always going over to my sister's houses to play with them. That's what I did in my spare time for quite a long time. I also helped raise my niece Isabelle for a time when she was young. I just loved it all.
What a STARK difference it's been to go from that to this...
You see, I have not held a baby since Naimah passed away. The youngest baby I held was a sweet Angel named Merceydez, and she was 10 months old at that time. She is VERY special and dear to my heart. I love her so much...it's even making me cry at this very moment to think about Mercy and all she did for others. She passed away after enduring it WELL. I haven't held any other baby since her. I haven't even let them touch me. Even thinking about a babies touch makes me cringe and get anxious.
I get major anxiety around babies. My heart pounds SO hard, I get sweaty, I feel like I'm having a heart attack, I try to be tough but it's so hard. I Can't think well and my mind races. If they are being held, in a car seat, or what have you, and they are headed my way I'm OUTTA there! More than the anxiety, it's flowering into something blank. If can't escape, and I have to put up with it I try my best. But if they look at me I don't smile. I don't like looking at them. They scare me. Medication only helped for so long.
Another is when baby's are sleeping. This may sound strange to you but I don't see a sleeping baby. Basically, putting it gently, I get horrible feelings like I need to rush to wake them to make sure they aren't dead. It's a HORRIBLE horrible feeling. It's scary and I hate it. I've done SO many things to try and change it. But my attempts have never proven faithful. It's strange to feel I need to save them, even though they scare me.
When I become a nurse, I'd really like to work with children and babies. I want to work with children with cancer. How can I do that unless I get help with my anxiety? For that matter what about children of my own? How's that going to be with this issue? Some people might think it'd be easy. Well excuse me, but nothing about the loss of a child is easy. Including wanting and trying for more little ones.
I seem to have made this seemly faithful, yet proving to be detrimental, promise to my baby: 'I'll never hold another until we have our next child. That's what I got to do with Naimah and no one is taking it from me.' I do not want our other children to feel negatively about Naimah. I want them all to feel loved, not replaced. To know that she is their sister and we loved her. But that they are wanted! That they are also very special.
I do not think I will be able to just flip some switch when our next baby is born. Even so, I do think another baby would be a wonderful thing for my heart when the time is right. But that time is not now.
I miss her. Sometimes I still get the "I can't believe she's gone" feeling. The "Why didn't I do this or that" feeling. And even the "I could've saved her life if I just was checking on her earlier.." desire. But it doesn't change the facts:
She's where she should be. She is still my daughter. I feel her close to me often. I love her more every day.
Mommies hold other babies. They don't love their own children any less just because of that. I know this. But I seem to think I'm the exception. That I would some how be showing dishonor to her life and death by allowing any other baby into my heart. I did that with Mercy, and she's gone too. Even though she's not my own, I loved her and it did hurt when she had to go. I feel that I would be an even worse mother than I already feel by holding another baby if they are not mine. To write and read this makes me think this person thinking this stuff is ridiculous. Well I am. I'm ridiculously in love with a baby I wanted so much, held so much, and now am missing so much.
TIME. It's going to take TIME. I can't rush it or push myself with this one. This may work for some people. That's not the right thing for me. I just need to whip my heart into shape. Just like I've been doing with my body, and let me tell ya! It's a WHOLE LOT of work. Wish me luck!
I'm kind of embarrassed that I'm still having the issues I'm having, after almost 3yrs. But I knew I needed more help. So, I've been going to counseling for almost 2 months now. It's been really wonderful. But really, really hard too. I know things are just as they should be, that Naimah left when she was suppose to. But that doesn't change my human mind and heart. I've "collected" compulsions to deal with my healing that are hurting my future.
Before the trauma of Naimah's death, and all that took place, I was the Aunt who babysat! I LOVED it! I held babies ALL the time! I'm not kidding. When I was at church, I was always holding someone's baby. Always babysitting, always going over to my sister's houses to play with them. That's what I did in my spare time for quite a long time. I also helped raise my niece Isabelle for a time when she was young. I just loved it all.
What a STARK difference it's been to go from that to this...
You see, I have not held a baby since Naimah passed away. The youngest baby I held was a sweet Angel named Merceydez, and she was 10 months old at that time. She is VERY special and dear to my heart. I love her so much...it's even making me cry at this very moment to think about Mercy and all she did for others. She passed away after enduring it WELL. I haven't held any other baby since her. I haven't even let them touch me. Even thinking about a babies touch makes me cringe and get anxious.
I get major anxiety around babies. My heart pounds SO hard, I get sweaty, I feel like I'm having a heart attack, I try to be tough but it's so hard. I Can't think well and my mind races. If they are being held, in a car seat, or what have you, and they are headed my way I'm OUTTA there! More than the anxiety, it's flowering into something blank. If can't escape, and I have to put up with it I try my best. But if they look at me I don't smile. I don't like looking at them. They scare me. Medication only helped for so long.
Another is when baby's are sleeping. This may sound strange to you but I don't see a sleeping baby. Basically, putting it gently, I get horrible feelings like I need to rush to wake them to make sure they aren't dead. It's a HORRIBLE horrible feeling. It's scary and I hate it. I've done SO many things to try and change it. But my attempts have never proven faithful. It's strange to feel I need to save them, even though they scare me.
When I become a nurse, I'd really like to work with children and babies. I want to work with children with cancer. How can I do that unless I get help with my anxiety? For that matter what about children of my own? How's that going to be with this issue? Some people might think it'd be easy. Well excuse me, but nothing about the loss of a child is easy. Including wanting and trying for more little ones.
I seem to have made this seemly faithful, yet proving to be detrimental, promise to my baby: 'I'll never hold another until we have our next child. That's what I got to do with Naimah and no one is taking it from me.' I do not want our other children to feel negatively about Naimah. I want them all to feel loved, not replaced. To know that she is their sister and we loved her. But that they are wanted! That they are also very special.
I do not think I will be able to just flip some switch when our next baby is born. Even so, I do think another baby would be a wonderful thing for my heart when the time is right. But that time is not now.
I miss her. Sometimes I still get the "I can't believe she's gone" feeling. The "Why didn't I do this or that" feeling. And even the "I could've saved her life if I just was checking on her earlier.." desire. But it doesn't change the facts:
She's where she should be. She is still my daughter. I feel her close to me often. I love her more every day.
Mommies hold other babies. They don't love their own children any less just because of that. I know this. But I seem to think I'm the exception. That I would some how be showing dishonor to her life and death by allowing any other baby into my heart. I did that with Mercy, and she's gone too. Even though she's not my own, I loved her and it did hurt when she had to go. I feel that I would be an even worse mother than I already feel by holding another baby if they are not mine. To write and read this makes me think this person thinking this stuff is ridiculous. Well I am. I'm ridiculously in love with a baby I wanted so much, held so much, and now am missing so much.
TIME. It's going to take TIME. I can't rush it or push myself with this one. This may work for some people. That's not the right thing for me. I just need to whip my heart into shape. Just like I've been doing with my body, and let me tell ya! It's a WHOLE LOT of work. Wish me luck!
6.13.2010
Recent Bizzle
Well here's the last few weeks (pictures will be added later):
We drove (with out stopping at a hotel) out to Missouri to see the WONDERFUL parents who live there in Gallatin. We brought our doggies and they absolutely LOVED every minute. I cannot even tell you how nice it was to wake up with them right in our room and have them expierence all the rabbit, frog, and rodent chasing. I was so so so so so SOOOO Happy!! I love them so much.
We headed to Iowa City to our hotel and it was GORSSAGE. YUCKAGE. EWEAGE. I'll spare you the details, but I'd NEVER recommend a Travelodge to ANYONE. For 100$ we stayed there three nights with our doggies...but I'd rather spend the extra 50$ to get a nicer place!
We went to Iowa to see my FABOULOUS cousins who live in Coralville!! (about 5 mins from Iowa City in case you care..) Oh how I love them. I was so sad to leave...(tear). :( Miss you Brad and Eve!!
As we were packing to head home, I was talking about how nice it would be to go to a nicer hotel for one night and take our time getting home. And that comment started this:
Emil: Can we just go straight home?
Caroline: Not me, I love being away! It's been fun, I'm enjoying the time.
Emil: Well me too, but after this place I really wanna get to our home and nice bed.
Caroline: It's a 19hr drive, without stops. NO thank you.
Emil:...Well I REALLY think we should just go home.
Caroline: Well then you can drive the WHOLE way. :P
Emil: Um, what kind of compromise is that?! I'll tell ya, not a good one.
(Cue both of us laughing..)
Emil: I have a better one. I'll get you a purse if we can go straight home. What do you say?
Caroline: What?! You'll get me a PURSE?? YAY!!!
(Cue hugs and jumping and kisses)
Caroline: Deal!
Emil: Sweet!! Let's get going!
This amuses me especially writing it all and looking back.
Somewhere in Nebraska, the gas light went on and according the the fun green sign on the interstate, we had 19 more miles to go before a fill up=WHAT?!?!?! We get off the next exit, say a prayer and continue praying...and we drive 10miles with the gas light on before we pull into a gas station. What a blessing!!
We also hit major rain and thunder storms in Nebraska and Wyoming that almost killed us...But we made it home.
We really loved our visit and we are so thankful we had the means to make it happen.
p.s......
We drove (with out stopping at a hotel) out to Missouri to see the WONDERFUL parents who live there in Gallatin. We brought our doggies and they absolutely LOVED every minute. I cannot even tell you how nice it was to wake up with them right in our room and have them expierence all the rabbit, frog, and rodent chasing. I was so so so so so SOOOO Happy!! I love them so much.
We headed to Iowa City to our hotel and it was GORSSAGE. YUCKAGE. EWEAGE. I'll spare you the details, but I'd NEVER recommend a Travelodge to ANYONE. For 100$ we stayed there three nights with our doggies...but I'd rather spend the extra 50$ to get a nicer place!
We went to Iowa to see my FABOULOUS cousins who live in Coralville!! (about 5 mins from Iowa City in case you care..) Oh how I love them. I was so sad to leave...(tear). :( Miss you Brad and Eve!!
As we were packing to head home, I was talking about how nice it would be to go to a nicer hotel for one night and take our time getting home. And that comment started this:
Emil: Can we just go straight home?
Caroline: Not me, I love being away! It's been fun, I'm enjoying the time.
Emil: Well me too, but after this place I really wanna get to our home and nice bed.
Caroline: It's a 19hr drive, without stops. NO thank you.
Emil:...Well I REALLY think we should just go home.
Caroline: Well then you can drive the WHOLE way. :P
Emil: Um, what kind of compromise is that?! I'll tell ya, not a good one.
(Cue both of us laughing..)
Emil: I have a better one. I'll get you a purse if we can go straight home. What do you say?
Caroline: What?! You'll get me a PURSE?? YAY!!!
(Cue hugs and jumping and kisses)
Caroline: Deal!
Emil: Sweet!! Let's get going!
This amuses me especially writing it all and looking back.
Somewhere in Nebraska, the gas light went on and according the the fun green sign on the interstate, we had 19 more miles to go before a fill up=WHAT?!?!?! We get off the next exit, say a prayer and continue praying...and we drive 10miles with the gas light on before we pull into a gas station. What a blessing!!
We also hit major rain and thunder storms in Nebraska and Wyoming that almost killed us...But we made it home.
We really loved our visit and we are so thankful we had the means to make it happen.
p.s......
5.21.2010
♥shoEs♥
I never paid much attention to your existence until recently. What a sad thing. I've been eying you. Let's get acquainted...
We've made a commitment...
My hope is that this relationship we are starting will continue to flourish into something wonderful. I feel something has changed now that I have you to complete me...(I guess I better start painting my toenails ;) I just feel better. There are so many possibilities. Losing weight has really made it easier for us to get close. I think I'm in love...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So tell me, are you in love with shoes? Any recommendations? What do you think of these picks? I'm all new to the love of shoes, sad I know, any comments would be great!
We've made a commitment...
My hope is that this relationship we are starting will continue to flourish into something wonderful. I feel something has changed now that I have you to complete me...(I guess I better start painting my toenails ;) I just feel better. There are so many possibilities. Losing weight has really made it easier for us to get close. I think I'm in love...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So tell me, are you in love with shoes? Any recommendations? What do you think of these picks? I'm all new to the love of shoes, sad I know, any comments would be great!
5.19.2010
5.11.2010
Fantabulous weekend!
I'm so excited for summer!! :) We spent time in the yard Saturday and really got things looking good.
These are called Dark Eyes and I LOVE them! I hope I can keep them alive!
Then, we relaxed a bit and got ready for Emil to walk for graduation! He's officially graduated in Business this December but USU only has commencement in the Spring. In order for him to walk with the class of 2010 he needed to walk Saturday. We had wonderful family there with us and it was such a great support to us!
Well "What now?" is more school! I've still got several years and Emil will be working on his science class requirements for Dental school, starting next Spring. We've both got to work so we don't know when he'll finish those up. He's also got to take the DAT and then apply. Who knows how long it may be before we get an acceptance letter, we hear it can take quite a bit even with an excellent application. BUT, we are both prayerful and hopeful that things will continue along smoothly and work out just as they should!
We hope to join the military in the next few years but this is just the
"plan", we all know how those go. As it comes, will be updating ya. But for now, we've got a summer and fall full of School. :)
5.06.2010
"F"
I got my first...
in college, after I took my final in my Nutrition Food Science class yesterday. It's only 1020 class. It should be "easy".
I'm really bummed. I worked my bum off, literally and figuratively. I spent time on home work every day. Hours even, just for that class alone. I even went to the Academic Resource center to get help and tips on study and test taking habits. I felt like I did my very best possible. I had confidence in each test, but I failed them all. I did really well in my assignments though. I did practice quizzes all the time. I used the website for the book to do flashcards and other studying.
Still failed it. Miserably.
Because of my work schedule I didn't get to go to class much and you get points for being there. It's hard for me to understand how I could fail because of it, but I think it had a huge impact. I had a hard time understanding it all. I emailed my teacher and explained the circumstances. She said to .'..study hard, there's not much I can do for you if you don't come to class.' Thanks a LOT. She was really not a very good teacher. Really. But I didn't want that to make such a huge difference in my grade.
The class isn't just about food and eating right. It's a bunch of science and chemistry to it. If I don't pass this class, and don't get all the chemistry of it...how the blazes can I be a good nurse? How can I do well in college?
I have one more final tomorrow, which I wasn't nervous about before...but now I think I need to break some habits. Get some caffeine so I can pull an all-nighter.
Some really sweet friends said some nice things to me on Facebook, you guys are so great! Thank you!!
I'm still very discouraged. I feel like I'm not smart enough for school. I've always kinda known that for me to do well I can't do anything else but school. That's the only thing that's worked for me in the past. I have so much responsibilities right now, even if we don't have any little ones to take care of. And I still got an F. After all my hard work. And TONZ and TONZ of prayer. How could ever do this with kids? I don't hate myself. I just think this is beyond me. Not sure what else I could've done.
Stooge!
in college, after I took my final in my Nutrition Food Science class yesterday. It's only 1020 class. It should be "easy".
I'm really bummed. I worked my bum off, literally and figuratively. I spent time on home work every day. Hours even, just for that class alone. I even went to the Academic Resource center to get help and tips on study and test taking habits. I felt like I did my very best possible. I had confidence in each test, but I failed them all. I did really well in my assignments though. I did practice quizzes all the time. I used the website for the book to do flashcards and other studying.
Still failed it. Miserably.
Because of my work schedule I didn't get to go to class much and you get points for being there. It's hard for me to understand how I could fail because of it, but I think it had a huge impact. I had a hard time understanding it all. I emailed my teacher and explained the circumstances. She said to .'..study hard, there's not much I can do for you if you don't come to class.' Thanks a LOT. She was really not a very good teacher. Really. But I didn't want that to make such a huge difference in my grade.
The class isn't just about food and eating right. It's a bunch of science and chemistry to it. If I don't pass this class, and don't get all the chemistry of it...how the blazes can I be a good nurse? How can I do well in college?
I have one more final tomorrow, which I wasn't nervous about before...but now I think I need to break some habits. Get some caffeine so I can pull an all-nighter.
Some really sweet friends said some nice things to me on Facebook, you guys are so great! Thank you!!
I'm still very discouraged. I feel like I'm not smart enough for school. I've always kinda known that for me to do well I can't do anything else but school. That's the only thing that's worked for me in the past. I have so much responsibilities right now, even if we don't have any little ones to take care of. And I still got an F. After all my hard work. And TONZ and TONZ of prayer. How could ever do this with kids? I don't hate myself. I just think this is beyond me. Not sure what else I could've done.
Stooge!
5.02.2010
To Text or Not To Text?
We could just get "lucky", like I did in the past. It's NOT worth it. Even if nothing happens.
Driving distracted can be prevented=less people have to be severely injured or die b/c of it.
2008: over 800,000 Americans were texting, making calls, or using a handheld cell phone while driving just during the DAY. This doesn't include adding darkness, which increases the risk. Almost 6,000 Americans were killed.
Let's NOT be a part of these statistics.
Experts say that driving distracted by your cell phone is just as dangerous as driving drunk. 4 out of every 5 accidents (80%) are attributed to distracted drivers. In contrast, drunk drivers account for roughly 1 out of 3 (33%) of all accidents nationally. These stats prove it's actually worse. Texting while driving is about 6 times more likely to result in an accident than driving while intoxicated. WOW.
Let's get OFF the phone in our cars. Not everyone dies or get critically injured. I've gotten away with it many times. After a terrible accident happened in Cache Valley, in which young man was texting on HWY 89/91 and hit two men, killing them, I stopped. Why didn't I think about this before?? I don't know. I was being too ignorant. I didn't do it all the time but sometimes I did.
I now keep my phone on silent and just wait till I'm done driving to get back to people. I hope you'll do the same if you don't already. It REALLY can wait. Right?
4.01.2010
DUN
Well I'm tired of snow. I'm tried of being cold. I want to move away. Somewhere warm. I think our doggies would like it too. Emil says it's a great idea. Too bad it's not just that easy. I wish it were because I'm absolutely loathing this winter. I'm loathing this crazy cold Utah weather. I need SUN. I need AIR! Logan has HORRIBLE air quality.
Don't misunderstand me though. I do enjoy it most of the time and think it's beautiful the way it makes the trees look, steam coming up from the roads, windy shapes that cut the snow in layers and such.
But I'm just plain sick of how long it's been dragging on. SO DUN with it.
Oh and I'm feeling loads better, thanks for thinking of me peeps! It meant a lot.
As of this morning I've lost 37lbs :). SO happy about that! But if I'm being honest you might really freak out about how overweight I still am. I kinda don't wanna tell until after I get rid of it. But according to my Nutrition Science class I should weight 105lbs because of my height (5'1)...HA! That's crazy THIN. No thank you! I want to be BUFF. Not crazy cut, but I like muscle and build it fast.
The dogs haven't been kenneled that much lately since I've been sick. Usually they have to be in a kennel while we are out or else the house gets trashed...or so that's what it use to be like. I've been leaving them out more and more each day and finally this week they've been out each time we've left. They have got into a few things but I left stuff out and didn't doggy proof that well. I'm SO SO SO happy about this!! Seriously! I LOVE my doggies and they are doing so well! I'm glad they aren't cooped up! But then again, who knows what they do to the cat while we aren't there...
Don't misunderstand me though. I do enjoy it most of the time and think it's beautiful the way it makes the trees look, steam coming up from the roads, windy shapes that cut the snow in layers and such.
But I'm just plain sick of how long it's been dragging on. SO DUN with it.
Oh and I'm feeling loads better, thanks for thinking of me peeps! It meant a lot.
As of this morning I've lost 37lbs :). SO happy about that! But if I'm being honest you might really freak out about how overweight I still am. I kinda don't wanna tell until after I get rid of it. But according to my Nutrition Science class I should weight 105lbs because of my height (5'1)...HA! That's crazy THIN. No thank you! I want to be BUFF. Not crazy cut, but I like muscle and build it fast.
The dogs haven't been kenneled that much lately since I've been sick. Usually they have to be in a kennel while we are out or else the house gets trashed...or so that's what it use to be like. I've been leaving them out more and more each day and finally this week they've been out each time we've left. They have got into a few things but I left stuff out and didn't doggy proof that well. I'm SO SO SO happy about this!! Seriously! I LOVE my doggies and they are doing so well! I'm glad they aren't cooped up! But then again, who knows what they do to the cat while we aren't there...
3.29.2010
My lovely weekend.
First of all, I want to talk about my Brother Sam/Elder Brickey!! He went to the MTC Wed. and his first few letters are really wonderful! He's the "baby" in the family and the last single missionary of all my sibs. WOW. Anyways, he's doing fabulous and really happy. I'm incredibly proud of him and all he pushed through to get where he is. GOOOO SAM!!! We had family stuff last weekend and it was great.
Now on to the tough part of my weekend. I have a really good reason I go into details about how sick I was at the end, so hang on people!
Then Sat. night I started feeling a cold coming on. My ears were killing, I was achey, I had a pretty high fever, my throat KILLED, I was dizzy, clammy, and just feeling yucky. I couldn't sleep cause I couldn't breathe well. Laying flat made me feel sicker. I did the whole propping up pillows, cough drops, pills for a sever cold and sleeping pills, herbal teas, and nice soft vicks tissues for my wittoe nose, none of which did much of anything. Even IB profen didn't work, which was a first for me. I still pushed myself hard last week because SO much was happening at schoolade and work, but I seriously couldn't work. I did come in one day, but I shouldn't have.
Finally I decide to go into the Instacare on Friday morning-ish (we don't have a FP Dr.) to see someone about a mess...ME! Well that's when I was told all the fun problems I was having.
"Just a virus right?" EEEEEEHH! WRONG. While my immune system was down with a cold strep came to get me, and then a flu strand snuck in after it. Sweet, just what I needed. Somewhere along the way my cold turned into a major sinus infection on top of all this. I guess there isn't a shot for a sinus infection, or at least they didn't think it was smart for me to have it and I agree, but there is one that will work for Strep. So, I got the shot, pain meds. to help me sleep, and anti-biotics.
Oh how I wish this was the end of the story but NO. Sorry to you and me.
After I get home, I do as directed. 2 lortabs every 6hrs for pain. This was so I can sleep. 2 amoxicillin antibiotics 3x a day for my infection. I figure I'll take them all at the same time. Even with taking the 2 lortabs I'm feeling the pain come back after a few hours but I don't care. I figure by Sunday I won't need the pain pills cuz I'll feel better so I try to get some sleep. Wake up, take my next dose, around 5:00p.m. Make dinner, veg for a bit, ya know try to get better. 11:00p.m. rolls around and I want to get to bed. I really haven't hardly slept. I take my next doses...Then I feel very weird. I feel hot and cold. I'm WAY WAY sicker than I was before. Emil says I'm turning gray. I had to really focus on breathing. If I didn't I noticed I was passing out because I wasn't breathing. I asked for a Priesthood Blessing. It helped me, but not the way I wanted. *Side note* Let me tell you something about myself. I HATE throwing up. I'd rather feel as sick as I have, get no sleep, and gain the 10lbs back that I lost from throwing up this weekend before I throw up EVER AGAIN. SERIOUSLY. I hate it more than anything else. But I'm also a whimp. I don't like being physically uncomfortable whatsoever. I'm such a dork and need to grow up! *End of side note*
This is where it gets kinda "graphic" so if you don't wanna read about throwing up, you better skip this paragraph. I ran to the toilet and puked. When I puke it's VERY violent. So violent it SCORCHES my throat and I burst blood vessels in my eyes every time. Several of them until some parts of my eye are BLOOD red. Not only that but after you have a child your bladder...well changes ;). For me, it's worth my sweet Angel so it's OK. Because of this even if I don't need to go #1 one BIT, I do when I throw up. Besides this, something else happened. I also bursted blood vessels in my throat. The outside of my throat began to rash. The more I threw up the darker it got. I eventually was a purple splotchy collection of burst vessels on my neck. Then I started throwing up blood. Not just a little bit but quite a bit. But I KNEW I needed to try and drink so that the next time I threw up it wouldn't hurt so much. Not even 2 mins after I started sipping on water I needed to puke again. But I held it in for an hour so that it wouldn't hurt so much. This continued each hour until 7a.m.
At this point, I'm so exhausted. I'm clammy and shaking uncontrollably. I'm very cold, but when I get warm I'm sweating and it's too hot. Laying down makes me sicker. But standing I feel good. I finally sat in the bathroom waiting to puke and nodded off about 5 mins at a time (I knew cuz Emil had to get up for work soon) and that was nice.
Emil has been up with me laying on the floor nodding off so he can get rest before a full days work. The dogs are snuggled with him and come lay by me each time I throw up. They were all so sweet to stay with me. No word/barking needed. Just being there with me. But I told him to climb into bed the last few hours so he can stay awake at work.
I weigh myself and I've lost 10lbs since Friday morning. WOW. Definitely NOT the way I wanted to lose weight! No way. I start to cry and continue my prayers for relief. I puke again and start to feel OK. Emil goes to work and I nibble on some bread and water. After 30 mins of not trowing up I lay down and stick a cough drop in my mouth and sleep for 2 hours.
I get up and notice I feel a bit better. I decide to take my antibiotics. This is about 10a.m. Then I feel REALLY sick again. I try to nibble on yogurt and Sprite. SPRITE! The first soda I've had in MONTHS. And it's the first thing that helps. But not for long. The puking starts up again...and again and again.
Finally Emil is home about 4:00p.m. He calls the Instacare, my voice is GONE cuz of all the intense vomiting, and they call in a anti-vomiting/nausea RX for me and say not to take the lortabs anymore. By this time both Emil and I think it was the lortabs that made me sick. I take a look and the mg in the pills and almost freak out!! The bottle says 500mg a PILL. I'd had 3,000mg of lortabs in less than 24hrs.!!!! Holy cow! What a blessing I did throw it up, even though it's made me sicker I needed it to get out of me body!
Through out this time of feeling so ill I thought of Jesus Christ. How he knew all that I was feeling. Not only did he feel that, but every other pain, sin and illness I've EVER felt. To really be thinking clearly about this when I couldn't even function in any other way was moving. I felt something new. Not only did he do this for me, but EVERYONE.
I began to cry for another reason. I was so thankful. I began a private prayer and thanks and gratitude for my Savior. I couldn't kneel without puking but in my own private way experienced something very beautiful in the midst of something difficult for me at that moment. Something I've had before, but not when I've been physically ill. I don't know that besides being pregnant, I've EVER felt this sick. Mind you, this was definitely not my first time OD'ing on something or feeling ill, so that's really saying something.
So I am thankful for Him. I just am. What a beautiful thing He has given me and every living creature. I'm constantly in awe.
Oh, and one more thing! On the plus side of this, I did my hair in a different way today and it's really cute. Yay!
Now on to the tough part of my weekend. I have a really good reason I go into details about how sick I was at the end, so hang on people!
Then Sat. night I started feeling a cold coming on. My ears were killing, I was achey, I had a pretty high fever, my throat KILLED, I was dizzy, clammy, and just feeling yucky. I couldn't sleep cause I couldn't breathe well. Laying flat made me feel sicker. I did the whole propping up pillows, cough drops, pills for a sever cold and sleeping pills, herbal teas, and nice soft vicks tissues for my wittoe nose, none of which did much of anything. Even IB profen didn't work, which was a first for me. I still pushed myself hard last week because SO much was happening at schoolade and work, but I seriously couldn't work. I did come in one day, but I shouldn't have.
Finally I decide to go into the Instacare on Friday morning-ish (we don't have a FP Dr.) to see someone about a mess...ME! Well that's when I was told all the fun problems I was having.
"Just a virus right?" EEEEEEHH! WRONG. While my immune system was down with a cold strep came to get me, and then a flu strand snuck in after it. Sweet, just what I needed. Somewhere along the way my cold turned into a major sinus infection on top of all this. I guess there isn't a shot for a sinus infection, or at least they didn't think it was smart for me to have it and I agree, but there is one that will work for Strep. So, I got the shot, pain meds. to help me sleep, and anti-biotics.
Oh how I wish this was the end of the story but NO. Sorry to you and me.
After I get home, I do as directed. 2 lortabs every 6hrs for pain. This was so I can sleep. 2 amoxicillin antibiotics 3x a day for my infection. I figure I'll take them all at the same time. Even with taking the 2 lortabs I'm feeling the pain come back after a few hours but I don't care. I figure by Sunday I won't need the pain pills cuz I'll feel better so I try to get some sleep. Wake up, take my next dose, around 5:00p.m. Make dinner, veg for a bit, ya know try to get better. 11:00p.m. rolls around and I want to get to bed. I really haven't hardly slept. I take my next doses...Then I feel very weird. I feel hot and cold. I'm WAY WAY sicker than I was before. Emil says I'm turning gray. I had to really focus on breathing. If I didn't I noticed I was passing out because I wasn't breathing. I asked for a Priesthood Blessing. It helped me, but not the way I wanted. *Side note* Let me tell you something about myself. I HATE throwing up. I'd rather feel as sick as I have, get no sleep, and gain the 10lbs back that I lost from throwing up this weekend before I throw up EVER AGAIN. SERIOUSLY. I hate it more than anything else. But I'm also a whimp. I don't like being physically uncomfortable whatsoever. I'm such a dork and need to grow up! *End of side note*
This is where it gets kinda "graphic" so if you don't wanna read about throwing up, you better skip this paragraph. I ran to the toilet and puked. When I puke it's VERY violent. So violent it SCORCHES my throat and I burst blood vessels in my eyes every time. Several of them until some parts of my eye are BLOOD red. Not only that but after you have a child your bladder...well changes ;). For me, it's worth my sweet Angel so it's OK. Because of this even if I don't need to go #1 one BIT, I do when I throw up. Besides this, something else happened. I also bursted blood vessels in my throat. The outside of my throat began to rash. The more I threw up the darker it got. I eventually was a purple splotchy collection of burst vessels on my neck. Then I started throwing up blood. Not just a little bit but quite a bit. But I KNEW I needed to try and drink so that the next time I threw up it wouldn't hurt so much. Not even 2 mins after I started sipping on water I needed to puke again. But I held it in for an hour so that it wouldn't hurt so much. This continued each hour until 7a.m.
At this point, I'm so exhausted. I'm clammy and shaking uncontrollably. I'm very cold, but when I get warm I'm sweating and it's too hot. Laying down makes me sicker. But standing I feel good. I finally sat in the bathroom waiting to puke and nodded off about 5 mins at a time (I knew cuz Emil had to get up for work soon) and that was nice.
Emil has been up with me laying on the floor nodding off so he can get rest before a full days work. The dogs are snuggled with him and come lay by me each time I throw up. They were all so sweet to stay with me. No word/barking needed. Just being there with me. But I told him to climb into bed the last few hours so he can stay awake at work.
I weigh myself and I've lost 10lbs since Friday morning. WOW. Definitely NOT the way I wanted to lose weight! No way. I start to cry and continue my prayers for relief. I puke again and start to feel OK. Emil goes to work and I nibble on some bread and water. After 30 mins of not trowing up I lay down and stick a cough drop in my mouth and sleep for 2 hours.
I get up and notice I feel a bit better. I decide to take my antibiotics. This is about 10a.m. Then I feel REALLY sick again. I try to nibble on yogurt and Sprite. SPRITE! The first soda I've had in MONTHS. And it's the first thing that helps. But not for long. The puking starts up again...and again and again.
Finally Emil is home about 4:00p.m. He calls the Instacare, my voice is GONE cuz of all the intense vomiting, and they call in a anti-vomiting/nausea RX for me and say not to take the lortabs anymore. By this time both Emil and I think it was the lortabs that made me sick. I take a look and the mg in the pills and almost freak out!! The bottle says 500mg a PILL. I'd had 3,000mg of lortabs in less than 24hrs.!!!! Holy cow! What a blessing I did throw it up, even though it's made me sicker I needed it to get out of me body!
Through out this time of feeling so ill I thought of Jesus Christ. How he knew all that I was feeling. Not only did he feel that, but every other pain, sin and illness I've EVER felt. To really be thinking clearly about this when I couldn't even function in any other way was moving. I felt something new. Not only did he do this for me, but EVERYONE.
I began to cry for another reason. I was so thankful. I began a private prayer and thanks and gratitude for my Savior. I couldn't kneel without puking but in my own private way experienced something very beautiful in the midst of something difficult for me at that moment. Something I've had before, but not when I've been physically ill. I don't know that besides being pregnant, I've EVER felt this sick. Mind you, this was definitely not my first time OD'ing on something or feeling ill, so that's really saying something.
So I am thankful for Him. I just am. What a beautiful thing He has given me and every living creature. I'm constantly in awe.
Oh, and one more thing! On the plus side of this, I did my hair in a different way today and it's really cute. Yay!
3.16.2010
Recipes!!!
Update: To date Emil has lost: 41.8lbs. and I have lost 31.6lbs!! WAHOO! However, while his waist size has changed drastically, mine hasn't :(. I mean I'm down about 3 sizes, but I think I'm just loosing it slower there because I gain it there the quickest. But I feel a lot smaller than that, in my clothes and just feeling so good each day that it's ok!
People keep asking for me to share the recipes I've been using so I figure that if I list the sources, I won't get sued...right?? I sure hope so!!
I know it's long but so many of you wanted me to share, so here ya go! Hope you try them out!!
Veggies with pasta!
Serving size, 2 (but it's SO much that I do 4. So for us, that's only 135 cals and about 5 g of fat! Awesome. If you need more servings, I recommend adding more veggies not pasta, it's healthier.)
370 Cals a serving 9.6 g fat
2 Zucchini
1 medium purple union (don't like/wanna cut one? try use union powder..about 1 tbsp. Not as good, but still works)
4-6 Spears of Asparagus
24 cherry tomatoes, cut in HALVES (just buy the pack of them, that's what I do)
1 Red Bell Pepper (I do 1/2 of a red and a orange bell pepper)
1/4-1/3 of a can of Artichoke hearts (optional, but sure adds great flavor!)
1/2 Cup Feta Cheese (SO GOOD FOR YOU)
1/4 Cup Marinara Sauce (optional, I don't add it for me but Emil likes it. Instead I spray Salad Spritzers Ranch flavor, 5 sprays but 10 is serving size)
1 Cup dried penne pasta, or other bit size pasta
1/2 Cup grated Parmesan cheese
1 tsp Balsamic Vinegar (I just "sprinkle" on top instead of measuring)
2 tbsp Lemon juice
1 1/2 tsp pepper
1 tsp salt (I use sea salt, if you want less sodium use Morton's low sodium salt)
1 1/2 tsp minced garlic (optional)
1 tbsp Olive Oil
Start boiling water for pasta. Cut up Zucchini, bell pepper, and asparagus into bit sizes. Cut union in half. Place flat side down and cut into wedges. Start oven on HI Broil. I use 9 by 13 pan lined with tin foil to broil veggies in. Place veggies in foiled pan, add artichokes, and if using garlic add it. If water is boiling, add a bit of oilve oil and salt then put 1 cup dry wheat pasta and turn down to medium. Stir occasionally. Cut cherry tomatoes in half. Set aside.
Base veggies in pan with olive oil and sprinkle salt and pepper on veggies. I mix it all together well with a rubber scrapper so as not to tear foil. Place in oven and roast on broil for 10-15 mins total, turning over half way. Because there are so many veggies, this takes a bit but it may be faster in your oven so check on it periodically so it doesn't burn! When veggies are done, mix up again and add Parmesan & feta cheese, vinegar IF using, lemon juice, mixed up again. Let cool for 2-4 mins. Then add tomatoes, pasta and which ever sauce you are using. I set sauces aside and we just add them in.
I LOVE this dish. Some of this comes from a book called "Eat Healthy, Lose Weight" and some just comes from good 'ol me! I think you could try using the veggies you like but it will change the fat and cals in the serving size.
Peanut Butter Cups
We use all organic ingredients. This FABULOUS recipe comes from the book "The Kind Diet", it's 100% Vegan! My source is my book but I got it online at: http://www.thedailygreen.com
I make this every week, Emil can't live with out it! I've added all the *remarks.
"Back in the day, I was obsessed with Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Now I make this healthier version and they are way better. In fact, I think they are the most ridiculously delicious things in the entire world. Look for graham crackers that are naturally sweetened or low in sugar (Health Valley makes a good one), and store the leftover crackers or crumbs in an airtight container for future use." -Alicia Silverstone
SERVINGS
12
INGREDIENTS
1/2 cup Earth Balance butter *It's at Good Earth & Smith's or other health food stores.
3/4 cup crunchy peanut butter (preferably unsweetened and unsalted)
3/4 cup graham cracker crumbs or 10 graham cracker squares
1/4 cup maple sugar or other granulated sweetener
1 cup grain-sweetened, nondairy chocolate or carob chips
1/4 cup soy, rice, or nut milk
1/4 cup chopped pecans, almonds, or peanuts
PREPARATION
1. Line a 12-cup muffin tin with paper liners. (If You Care makes unbleached liners made from recycled paper.) Set aside.
2. Melt the butter in a small saucepan over medium heat.
3. Stir in the peanut butter, graham cracker crumbs, and maple sugar and mix well.
4. Remove the mixture from the heat. Evenly divide the mixture, approximately 2 tablespoons per cup, among the muffin cups.
5. Combine the chocolate and milk in another pan. Stir over medium heat until the chocolate has melted. *I add Agave Nectar to taste b/c I needed a little bit more sweet. Still is great!
6. Spoon the chocolate evenly over the peanut butter mixture.
7. Top with chopped nuts.
8. Place in the refrigerator to set for at least 2 hours before serving. *We stick it in the freezer for the week and they only take about 5 mins to soften. They are kinda too soft if you only use the fridge but try it and see if that works for you.*
Excerpted from The Kind Diet by Alicia Silverstone (2009, Rodale). All rights reserved. See more of Alicia Silverstone's vegan recipes.
Read more: http://www.thedailygreen.com/healthy-eating/recipes/chocolate-peanut-butter-cups-recipe#ixzz0iOl1R7Ji"
"I adore couscous, and this is a wonderful way to prepare it. Not only is it tasty, it looks gorgeous on a big serving plate as the centerpiece of a meal. You can complement it with a simple salad or let it be the beginning of a feast that includes soup, hummus, and veggies. This recipe serves six, but you can halve it or just make a big batch and keep leftovers in the fridge." -Alicia Silverstone
SERVINGS
6
INGREDIENTS
2 cups peeled butternut squash, cut into 1/4 to 1/2-inch cubes
2 cups yellow onion, large dice
1 1/2 cups carrots, cut into 1/4 to 1/2-inch cubes
1 1/2 cups zucchini, cut into 3/4-inch cubes
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
Fine sea salt
1 1/2 teaspoons freshly ground black pepper
1 1/2 cups vegetable broth
2 tablespoons Earth Balance butter
1/4 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon saffron threads *This is WAY too pricey for us. We left it out and it was still great!*
1 1/2 cups whole wheat couscous
2 scallions, white and green parts, chopped *This is just green unions, I didn't know that!
PREPARATION
1. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F.
2. Place the squash, onion, carrots, and zucchini on a baking sheet and toss with the olive oil, 1 teaspoon salt, and 1 teaspoon pepper.
3. Roast for 25 to 30 minutes, turning once with a spatula about midway through.
4. While the vegetables roast, bring the vegetable broth to a boil in a saucepan.
5. Remove the pan from the heat, and stir in the butter, remaining 1/2 teaspoon pepper, cumin, saffron *I just put long ways thin sliced pieces or green unions in it and it was still fabulous!*, and salt to taste.
6. Cover the pan and steep for 15 minutes.
7. Scrape the roasted vegetables and their juices into a large bowl, and add the couscous.
8. Bring the vegetable broth back to a boil, and pour over the couscous mixture all at once.
9. Cover tightly with a plate and allow to stand for 15 minutes.
10. Add the scallions, toss the couscous and vegetables with a fork, and serve.
Excerpted from The Kind Diet by Alicia Silverstone (2009, Rodale). All rights reserved. See more of Alicia Silverstone's vegan recipes.
Read more: http://www.thedailygreen.com/healthy-eating/recipes/moroccan-couscous-recipe#ixzz0iOlurQS7
I've made all of these and they are DELISH!! LOVE THEM!! I'm even having a PB cup right now, haha!
Most the ingredients have come from Walmart, Smith's and Good Earth. I don't shop at Fresh Mart/Alberston's so I'm not sure about that. We have a health food store here but it's too expensive, it's called Shangrilay. Agave Nectar is like honey, so it's where the baked goods are. The whole grain chips I got from Good Earth. Couscous is by the rice in most stores.
I've been recently using this website for ideas. It's still new to me but I usually use the 500 Cal meal section. There's a stuffed Portobello mushroom recipe in there that is GREAT with Spaghetti...that's what we just ate for dinner, YUMMO. But each section seems to have some great info.
Rule of thumb for veggies, if you like them better roasted do it! Eat them in a way that you enjoy! This is primarily how I've been cooking veggies for dinner, and the more I try different veggies the more I understand how and which ones go together. You can add brown rice or couscous with it and some seasonings and it's great!
If you really are interested in it check it out. They even have just heatlhier recipes and 30 minute quick ones! So far I really like it!
Really, your gonna cook anyways right? The only way to see if you like something new is to TRY it. The more I've been cooking I've figured out what things I can leave out of recipes or substitute and know what goes well together.
We only eat about 1400-1600 cals a day and sometimes that is TOO MUCH food! How? We eat energy dense foods. Foods that have low cals but are "heavy"/keep you fuller longer=VEGGIES or FRUIT!
Let me know if you try any of these, they are all worth the good health I promise! I'd love your opinions or tips on any of them!! :)
People keep asking for me to share the recipes I've been using so I figure that if I list the sources, I won't get sued...right?? I sure hope so!!
I know it's long but so many of you wanted me to share, so here ya go! Hope you try them out!!
Veggies with pasta!
Serving size, 2 (but it's SO much that I do 4. So for us, that's only 135 cals and about 5 g of fat! Awesome. If you need more servings, I recommend adding more veggies not pasta, it's healthier.)
370 Cals a serving 9.6 g fat
2 Zucchini
1 medium purple union (don't like/wanna cut one? try use union powder..about 1 tbsp. Not as good, but still works)
4-6 Spears of Asparagus
24 cherry tomatoes, cut in HALVES (just buy the pack of them, that's what I do)
1 Red Bell Pepper (I do 1/2 of a red and a orange bell pepper)
1/4-1/3 of a can of Artichoke hearts (optional, but sure adds great flavor!)
1/2 Cup Feta Cheese (SO GOOD FOR YOU)
1/4 Cup Marinara Sauce (optional, I don't add it for me but Emil likes it. Instead I spray Salad Spritzers Ranch flavor, 5 sprays but 10 is serving size)
1 Cup dried penne pasta, or other bit size pasta
1/2 Cup grated Parmesan cheese
1 tsp Balsamic Vinegar (I just "sprinkle" on top instead of measuring)
2 tbsp Lemon juice
1 1/2 tsp pepper
1 tsp salt (I use sea salt, if you want less sodium use Morton's low sodium salt)
1 1/2 tsp minced garlic (optional)
1 tbsp Olive Oil
Start boiling water for pasta. Cut up Zucchini, bell pepper, and asparagus into bit sizes. Cut union in half. Place flat side down and cut into wedges. Start oven on HI Broil. I use 9 by 13 pan lined with tin foil to broil veggies in. Place veggies in foiled pan, add artichokes, and if using garlic add it. If water is boiling, add a bit of oilve oil and salt then put 1 cup dry wheat pasta and turn down to medium. Stir occasionally. Cut cherry tomatoes in half. Set aside.
Base veggies in pan with olive oil and sprinkle salt and pepper on veggies. I mix it all together well with a rubber scrapper so as not to tear foil. Place in oven and roast on broil for 10-15 mins total, turning over half way. Because there are so many veggies, this takes a bit but it may be faster in your oven so check on it periodically so it doesn't burn! When veggies are done, mix up again and add Parmesan & feta cheese, vinegar IF using, lemon juice, mixed up again. Let cool for 2-4 mins. Then add tomatoes, pasta and which ever sauce you are using. I set sauces aside and we just add them in.
I LOVE this dish. Some of this comes from a book called "Eat Healthy, Lose Weight" and some just comes from good 'ol me! I think you could try using the veggies you like but it will change the fat and cals in the serving size.
Peanut Butter Cups
We use all organic ingredients. This FABULOUS recipe comes from the book "The Kind Diet", it's 100% Vegan! My source is my book but I got it online at: http://www.thedailygreen.com
I make this every week, Emil can't live with out it! I've added all the *remarks.
"Back in the day, I was obsessed with Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Now I make this healthier version and they are way better. In fact, I think they are the most ridiculously delicious things in the entire world. Look for graham crackers that are naturally sweetened or low in sugar (Health Valley makes a good one), and store the leftover crackers or crumbs in an airtight container for future use." -Alicia Silverstone
SERVINGS
12
INGREDIENTS
1/2 cup Earth Balance butter *It's at Good Earth & Smith's or other health food stores.
3/4 cup crunchy peanut butter (preferably unsweetened and unsalted)
3/4 cup graham cracker crumbs or 10 graham cracker squares
1/4 cup maple sugar or other granulated sweetener
1 cup grain-sweetened, nondairy chocolate or carob chips
1/4 cup soy, rice, or nut milk
1/4 cup chopped pecans, almonds, or peanuts
PREPARATION
1. Line a 12-cup muffin tin with paper liners. (If You Care makes unbleached liners made from recycled paper.) Set aside.
2. Melt the butter in a small saucepan over medium heat.
3. Stir in the peanut butter, graham cracker crumbs, and maple sugar and mix well.
4. Remove the mixture from the heat. Evenly divide the mixture, approximately 2 tablespoons per cup, among the muffin cups.
5. Combine the chocolate and milk in another pan. Stir over medium heat until the chocolate has melted. *I add Agave Nectar to taste b/c I needed a little bit more sweet. Still is great!
6. Spoon the chocolate evenly over the peanut butter mixture.
7. Top with chopped nuts.
8. Place in the refrigerator to set for at least 2 hours before serving. *We stick it in the freezer for the week and they only take about 5 mins to soften. They are kinda too soft if you only use the fridge but try it and see if that works for you.*
Excerpted from The Kind Diet by Alicia Silverstone (2009, Rodale). All rights reserved. See more of Alicia Silverstone's vegan recipes.
Read more: http://www.thedailygreen.com/healthy-eating/recipes/chocolate-peanut-butter-cups-recipe#ixzz0iOl1R7Ji"
"I adore couscous, and this is a wonderful way to prepare it. Not only is it tasty, it looks gorgeous on a big serving plate as the centerpiece of a meal. You can complement it with a simple salad or let it be the beginning of a feast that includes soup, hummus, and veggies. This recipe serves six, but you can halve it or just make a big batch and keep leftovers in the fridge." -Alicia Silverstone
SERVINGS
6
INGREDIENTS
2 cups peeled butternut squash, cut into 1/4 to 1/2-inch cubes
2 cups yellow onion, large dice
1 1/2 cups carrots, cut into 1/4 to 1/2-inch cubes
1 1/2 cups zucchini, cut into 3/4-inch cubes
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
Fine sea salt
1 1/2 teaspoons freshly ground black pepper
1 1/2 cups vegetable broth
2 tablespoons Earth Balance butter
1/4 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon saffron threads *This is WAY too pricey for us. We left it out and it was still great!*
1 1/2 cups whole wheat couscous
2 scallions, white and green parts, chopped *This is just green unions, I didn't know that!
PREPARATION
1. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F.
2. Place the squash, onion, carrots, and zucchini on a baking sheet and toss with the olive oil, 1 teaspoon salt, and 1 teaspoon pepper.
3. Roast for 25 to 30 minutes, turning once with a spatula about midway through.
4. While the vegetables roast, bring the vegetable broth to a boil in a saucepan.
5. Remove the pan from the heat, and stir in the butter, remaining 1/2 teaspoon pepper, cumin, saffron *I just put long ways thin sliced pieces or green unions in it and it was still fabulous!*, and salt to taste.
6. Cover the pan and steep for 15 minutes.
7. Scrape the roasted vegetables and their juices into a large bowl, and add the couscous.
8. Bring the vegetable broth back to a boil, and pour over the couscous mixture all at once.
9. Cover tightly with a plate and allow to stand for 15 minutes.
10. Add the scallions, toss the couscous and vegetables with a fork, and serve.
Excerpted from The Kind Diet by Alicia Silverstone (2009, Rodale). All rights reserved. See more of Alicia Silverstone's vegan recipes.
Read more: http://www.thedailygreen.com/healthy-eating/recipes/moroccan-couscous-recipe#ixzz0iOlurQS7
I've made all of these and they are DELISH!! LOVE THEM!! I'm even having a PB cup right now, haha!
Most the ingredients have come from Walmart, Smith's and Good Earth. I don't shop at Fresh Mart/Alberston's so I'm not sure about that. We have a health food store here but it's too expensive, it's called Shangrilay. Agave Nectar is like honey, so it's where the baked goods are. The whole grain chips I got from Good Earth. Couscous is by the rice in most stores.
I've been recently using this website for ideas. It's still new to me but I usually use the 500 Cal meal section. There's a stuffed Portobello mushroom recipe in there that is GREAT with Spaghetti...that's what we just ate for dinner, YUMMO. But each section seems to have some great info.
Rule of thumb for veggies, if you like them better roasted do it! Eat them in a way that you enjoy! This is primarily how I've been cooking veggies for dinner, and the more I try different veggies the more I understand how and which ones go together. You can add brown rice or couscous with it and some seasonings and it's great!
If you really are interested in it check it out. They even have just heatlhier recipes and 30 minute quick ones! So far I really like it!
Really, your gonna cook anyways right? The only way to see if you like something new is to TRY it. The more I've been cooking I've figured out what things I can leave out of recipes or substitute and know what goes well together.
We only eat about 1400-1600 cals a day and sometimes that is TOO MUCH food! How? We eat energy dense foods. Foods that have low cals but are "heavy"/keep you fuller longer=VEGGIES or FRUIT!
Let me know if you try any of these, they are all worth the good health I promise! I'd love your opinions or tips on any of them!! :)
3.02.2010
Who's on first?
These are some of my favs of Abbott & Costello, comedians from back in the day.
And some more fun with them! I watched some of their movies growing up over and over. They are HILARIOUS!!
Awww...these bring back some really good memories. Don't you love things like that? Me too.
And some more fun with them! I watched some of their movies growing up over and over. They are HILARIOUS!!
Awww...these bring back some really good memories. Don't you love things like that? Me too.
3.01.2010
The Concert
As part of my creative arts class we are required to go to "events/concerts/plays/etc." and write a paper about it to get credit. I'm really enjoying it a lot! Emil has come to a few things, but missed out on this one. This is Eileen Ivers. I just got back from her concert and I'm about to start some more home work in other classes. But I wanted to share her with you a bit, I really hope you like it and take 10 mins to check this out. They really respect their history and lives of their ancestors, as I suspect you do too.
She has plenty more videos of her music on youtube, but this is one that they did tonight. It really was AMAZING! She rocks! The band came to our class this morning too and talked about the instruments they play. They are a really unique band! There's a ALL KINDS of drums player, the much needed bass and guitar players and then a guy on the accordion! HA! Then of course, this amazing lady, who I met and seems pretty cool, playing the violin/fiddle. Here's two vids of her music, really fun stuff! p.s. I thought you might like this DAD!! I SO wish we could have gone togeth! It made me miss you.
Now, back to the books! I've got midterms this week, wish me luck and a new brain, I've almost fried the one I've got!! :)
She has plenty more videos of her music on youtube, but this is one that they did tonight. It really was AMAZING! She rocks! The band came to our class this morning too and talked about the instruments they play. They are a really unique band! There's a ALL KINDS of drums player, the much needed bass and guitar players and then a guy on the accordion! HA! Then of course, this amazing lady, who I met and seems pretty cool, playing the violin/fiddle. Here's two vids of her music, really fun stuff! p.s. I thought you might like this DAD!! I SO wish we could have gone togeth! It made me miss you.
Now, back to the books! I've got midterms this week, wish me luck and a new brain, I've almost fried the one I've got!! :)
2.23.2010
Help a Sister out!!
My good friend Clerissa just needs some help!! Please just read the rest before you judge me ;). She's in the running for a contest and it ends THIS THURSDAY!! She has a youtube video that needs more and more views to win it. THAT is WAY simple! It's a pretty clever video too, and I think she really should WIN! After I watched it the first time, this is what I've been doing: while I'm at a computer I have the video playing on mute in on of the tabs. So PLEASE check it out and just have it in the background, on mute if you want. I usually don't bother with things like this, but she's my friend! I think it's such an EASY thing to do and I'm just asking that you do it along with me. No big deal right? RIGHT! :)
THANKS A BUNCHO!!!!
THANKS A BUNCHO!!!!
UGH!
I am so behind in school!! I'm doing my darndest...(minus a break I desperately needed) but STILL! I'm really not school savvy. Street savvy yes.
Emil is doing great of course. He says this is a really fun semester for him, I'm really glad!
Emil got a promotion! He is now the Service Manager at his Branch! YAY! He LOVES it and I'm so happy to see the difference it's made for him.
Work is pretty dang busy! Since my hours have been cut it's almost IMPOSSIBLE to get everything done! Usually things have to be left until the next day (which is a pet peeve of mine) and so I'm continually getting behind. I do all that I can to be efficient at work, but it's not as simple as that. Oh sure, what do I do? Work at the Cache-Rich Assoc. of REALTORS(R), address needs of the Agents. Some might say...ok so what do you do??? This list is very long. But basically, in between answering phone calls and email it's a lot of busy work. Filing, updated ANY changes (even a phone number) is 5 sometimes 6 different places, depending on what's changing. Making SO many phone calls to get things done that aren't. Making books for classes we have about every month. Addressing so many different needs! And the thing about it is, many times people don't think I do very much. I do get appreciated comments about how hard I work, but not very many. HOWEVER. That doesn't really matter to me, the point is I need more time than 4hrs. a day to get it all done! I enjoy it though! It's been such a wonderful job at this time in my life. It's a wonderful blessing.
So..I've got to get going with my bizzle! Wish me luck!
Emil is doing great of course. He says this is a really fun semester for him, I'm really glad!
Emil got a promotion! He is now the Service Manager at his Branch! YAY! He LOVES it and I'm so happy to see the difference it's made for him.
Work is pretty dang busy! Since my hours have been cut it's almost IMPOSSIBLE to get everything done! Usually things have to be left until the next day (which is a pet peeve of mine) and so I'm continually getting behind. I do all that I can to be efficient at work, but it's not as simple as that. Oh sure, what do I do? Work at the Cache-Rich Assoc. of REALTORS(R), address needs of the Agents. Some might say...ok so what do you do??? This list is very long. But basically, in between answering phone calls and email it's a lot of busy work. Filing, updated ANY changes (even a phone number) is 5 sometimes 6 different places, depending on what's changing. Making SO many phone calls to get things done that aren't. Making books for classes we have about every month. Addressing so many different needs! And the thing about it is, many times people don't think I do very much. I do get appreciated comments about how hard I work, but not very many. HOWEVER. That doesn't really matter to me, the point is I need more time than 4hrs. a day to get it all done! I enjoy it though! It's been such a wonderful job at this time in my life. It's a wonderful blessing.
So..I've got to get going with my bizzle! Wish me luck!
2.20.2010
As requested, more hair pics.
Since so many of you asked to see more pictures, here you go. My FABULOUS friend Amelia did wonderful work on my uncooperative hair to get it lookin' this good and I LOVE every second of it!!! Fun and edgy! I was having a difficult time with the cut before and she made it all better!
Before I dyed it...
After I dyed it!
I really REALLY like it. It's also very different from what you are use to seeing me like, but I've always enjoyed messing with my hair. Just know that now, someone who really needed it, will have my long locks of red hair to enjoy. I definitely will not miss all the sweet old ladies who loved my hair and constantly commented about my red hair. Even tho I like it myself, I wanted a change and I LOVE it! So just be happy for me instead of saying what someone already has "OH NO!!! WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR BEAUTIFUL LONG RED HAIR!!!!!???? WHY DID YOU CUT IT??" Hahaha!!
Before I dyed it...
After I dyed it!
I really REALLY like it. It's also very different from what you are use to seeing me like, but I've always enjoyed messing with my hair. Just know that now, someone who really needed it, will have my long locks of red hair to enjoy. I definitely will not miss all the sweet old ladies who loved my hair and constantly commented about my red hair. Even tho I like it myself, I wanted a change and I LOVE it! So just be happy for me instead of saying what someone already has "OH NO!!! WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR BEAUTIFUL LONG RED HAIR!!!!!???? WHY DID YOU CUT IT??" Hahaha!!
2.19.2010
Happy Birthday!
These are the embarrassing balloons I got for him on his birthday...
I'm incredibly grateful that he was born 26yrs ago yesterday! I'm deeply in love and want to share EVERYTHING with him EVERYDAY!
I'm infinitely blessed to have him in my life. I almost cannot bare how much my heart bursts when I think about how much we've grown together and been through together.
As I say over and over every day, I love you.
I'm incredibly grateful that he was born 26yrs ago yesterday! I'm deeply in love and want to share EVERYTHING with him EVERYDAY!
I'm infinitely blessed to have him in my life. I almost cannot bare how much my heart bursts when I think about how much we've grown together and been through together.
As I say over and over every day, I love you.
2.16.2010
Good-bye hair!
Hello...SHORT hair. This is the shortest hair cut I've EVER had. And.......I LOVE IT. Haha!!
Go me! Yay for change! Change don't scare me. ;)
This cut is fun! This is only one of the ways to style it...so far it's my favorite!
I'm donating some of it, the part that wasn't died and I cut almost 14" off!!!
Haha! Oh man, it's gonna be fun to hear what ya'll have to say about it!
Go me! Yay for change! Change don't scare me. ;)
This cut is fun! This is only one of the ways to style it...so far it's my favorite!
I'm donating some of it, the part that wasn't died and I cut almost 14" off!!!
Haha! Oh man, it's gonna be fun to hear what ya'll have to say about it!
2.13.2010
The Kind Diet
This book is GREAT!! This is an actress who is a Vegan. This way of eating consists of NO animal products or processed foods and PLENTY of wonderful foods and recipes. This book has so many recipes! She talks about it a lot as well which I really found it to be a good source of inspiration, information, and health. Believe me, you can eat really good food when you are eating healthy!!
So far I've made these...
...and some cupcakes for our Primary kids for V-day tomorrow. But sorry, no picture to tempt you with! They are FANTASTIC!!!
The meat substitues she has are yummy! Some of the ingredients were hard to find, and a little more expensive at first because they come in large quantities. But they last and I have already found some substitues for some ingredients that we couldn't find or afford. We also want to use up what food we already have instead of throw it away. We wish we had the financial luxury to spend more on these types of foods, but right now it's not something we can do. The ingredients that were tough to find, CAN be found online though. However, for now we are doing our part to just lean into all of this. Being healthy takes work, just like anything that is worth it in life. We've been able to keep our lifestyle exciting! Cooking has become fun for me. We've also found a lot of really GREAT recipes at www.allrecipes.com Most of the time you can just search under Vegan or Vegetarian and make your own adjustments according to what your goal is.
We've been learing so much about food, let me share:
Locally grown produce is MUCH better than produced that has been shipped from other countries. During the winter season, grapes, apples, tomatoes, assparagus, and more, don't grow well. But sometimes those that come from CA, or other close states, is better. When they have come from other countries, those foods have additives to stay "fresh" during shipment. Natuarlly, they aren't supposed to last that long, so they have things added to them.
Another thing we noticed that we're SAVING MONEY buy not buying so much meat and eating what we buy! Eating healthy hasn't been more expensive, it has been more cost effecient. A big part of it is due to PLANNING.
Another thing to watch for is GRASS FEED meats and eggs, if you don't want to give up animal products. The types of meats that have been grass feed is MUCH better than any others. Most animals are fed food that induces them to grow fatter, faster and it's cheaper to feed it to them. Why? Because there are regulations that most farmers HAVE to abide by or they will be fined or sometimes sued if they don't. Including what they grow and how they feed the animals. I won't get into it more, but these are things we are trying to watch for. We haven't been able to do EVERYTHING. But we are doing what we can, and that's what matters I think.
We feel SO GOOD!! It is a WORLD of difference! We are losing weight, have energy, and cooking has become EASY. Some of the ingredients are not only good for us but the clean up and measureing is SO MUCH quicker and EASIER! Just these simple things have been wonderful!
Yay for good health and changing our lifstyles! We are doing the best we can with what we have and it's paying off.
2.09.2010
Can't wait!
I like Tim Burton's work even though some might say it's "weird". He is an INCREDIBLE creative mastermind in my opinion and I watch most everything he directs.
This looks SO fun!!
This looks SO fun!!
2.03.2010
In other news...
My brother Sam will be serving a mission in the Santa Rosa CA mission...SPANISH speaking! WAHOO!! I love ya Sambee!
I saw and X-boyfriend on campus and couldn't believe he lives here in Logan. I think that's crazy sauce! He was trying to make sure I knew he was married and unavailable. UM...HELLO??? I AM A LOT MORE UNAVAILABLE THEN YOU MR.!! Look, we don't have to be friends, we don't even know each other anymore!! Yea, well I didn't say any of that of course. The good stuff always comes to ya after the fact doesn't it! I hope he's different than when I knew him, I know I sure am. He put us both through a lot of crap, but I was a complete mess too. It taught me a lot, but I definitely think it's insane that we both ended up moving to Logan with our spouses...not to mention living 6 blocks away from each other!! Too weird!
School and life is busy as usual. We watched a documentary called Food Inc. Click there for a preview. We both were amazed at all that we learned and it really affected me, in a good way. We've thought so much about it and really have tried to implement a lot of what we learned into our diet. We HIGHLY recommend you watch it. We rented it and ended up buying it afterwords. In light of all we learned from that we've also been re-reading the Word of Wisdom and other scriptures in the Bible that talk about the use of meat from animals and other foods. The documentary really seems to be in line with the guidelines in the scriptures, which is great!
It's been really neat and we're working hard to get a good balance. We have been eating more vegetarian then we did a few weeks ago. It's been good in some ways, but I've felt really REALLY faint, tired, I'm paler than usual, and clammy. I have hypoglycemia and protein gives me the energy I need to function. I've tried all kinds of nuts, brown rice with veggies, cottage cheese, peanut and almond butter, soy milk, etc. but it's not doing the trick. It's almost been two weeks and I think I need to re-vamp things. I talk to a Registered Dietitian about it and order a book full of Vegan recipes too. I hope to find a way to eat meat less, but still get the energy I need. It takes a lot of work and time to figure all this out, but it's WORTH IT!! Anything that is hard is also worth it.
We are excited to weigh in on Friday and see if we've maintained or lost any more weight. We get to hear from an "Iron Man" Thursday night, that should be interesting...haha!
Is anyone else tired of the bitter cold and snow? Utah County is warm compared to Logan. What a crazy difference 2 hours makes...
I miss our baby Nayia, as usual. But the waves seem to come stronger at different times. I can't believe she'd be almost 26 months. Before I know it her 3rd B-day will be here! I wish that I could be watching over her grave better, it's almost the only thing I can do as her mommy right now. I also wish we had someone looking over it for us, but I know that some family members go to see her and spend time there. That means so much to us...we love you!
I saw and X-boyfriend on campus and couldn't believe he lives here in Logan. I think that's crazy sauce! He was trying to make sure I knew he was married and unavailable. UM...HELLO??? I AM A LOT MORE UNAVAILABLE THEN YOU MR.!! Look, we don't have to be friends, we don't even know each other anymore!! Yea, well I didn't say any of that of course. The good stuff always comes to ya after the fact doesn't it! I hope he's different than when I knew him, I know I sure am. He put us both through a lot of crap, but I was a complete mess too. It taught me a lot, but I definitely think it's insane that we both ended up moving to Logan with our spouses...not to mention living 6 blocks away from each other!! Too weird!
School and life is busy as usual. We watched a documentary called Food Inc. Click there for a preview. We both were amazed at all that we learned and it really affected me, in a good way. We've thought so much about it and really have tried to implement a lot of what we learned into our diet. We HIGHLY recommend you watch it. We rented it and ended up buying it afterwords. In light of all we learned from that we've also been re-reading the Word of Wisdom and other scriptures in the Bible that talk about the use of meat from animals and other foods. The documentary really seems to be in line with the guidelines in the scriptures, which is great!
It's been really neat and we're working hard to get a good balance. We have been eating more vegetarian then we did a few weeks ago. It's been good in some ways, but I've felt really REALLY faint, tired, I'm paler than usual, and clammy. I have hypoglycemia and protein gives me the energy I need to function. I've tried all kinds of nuts, brown rice with veggies, cottage cheese, peanut and almond butter, soy milk, etc. but it's not doing the trick. It's almost been two weeks and I think I need to re-vamp things. I talk to a Registered Dietitian about it and order a book full of Vegan recipes too. I hope to find a way to eat meat less, but still get the energy I need. It takes a lot of work and time to figure all this out, but it's WORTH IT!! Anything that is hard is also worth it.
We are excited to weigh in on Friday and see if we've maintained or lost any more weight. We get to hear from an "Iron Man" Thursday night, that should be interesting...haha!
Is anyone else tired of the bitter cold and snow? Utah County is warm compared to Logan. What a crazy difference 2 hours makes...
I miss our baby Nayia, as usual. But the waves seem to come stronger at different times. I can't believe she'd be almost 26 months. Before I know it her 3rd B-day will be here! I wish that I could be watching over her grave better, it's almost the only thing I can do as her mommy right now. I also wish we had someone looking over it for us, but I know that some family members go to see her and spend time there. That means so much to us...we love you!
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