Naimah's Birthday is next Tuesday. I am really missing her. As usual...but oh SO very much lately. She would be three. Three!! Wow.
I'm kind of embarrassed that I'm still having the issues I'm having, after almost 3yrs. But I knew I needed more help. So, I've been going to counseling for almost 2 months now. It's been really wonderful. But really, really hard too. I know things are just as they should be, that Naimah left when she was suppose to. But that doesn't change my human mind and heart. I've "collected" compulsions to deal with my healing that are hurting my future.
Before the trauma of Naimah's death, and all that took place, I was the Aunt who babysat! I LOVED it! I held babies ALL the time! I'm not kidding. When I was at church, I was always holding someone's baby. Always babysitting, always going over to my sister's houses to play with them. That's what I did in my spare time for quite a long time. I also helped raise my niece Isabelle for a time when she was young. I just loved it all.
What a STARK difference it's been to go from that to this...
You see, I have not held a baby since Naimah passed away. The youngest baby I held was a sweet Angel named Merceydez, and she was 10 months old at that time. She is VERY special and dear to my heart. I love her so much...it's even making me cry at this very moment to think about Mercy and all she did for others. She passed away after enduring it WELL. I haven't held any other baby since her. I haven't even let them touch me. Even thinking about a babies touch makes me cringe and get anxious.
I get major anxiety around babies. My heart pounds SO hard, I get sweaty, I feel like I'm having a heart attack, I try to be tough but it's so hard. I Can't think well and my mind races. If they are being held, in a car seat, or what have you, and they are headed my way I'm OUTTA there! More than the anxiety, it's flowering into something blank. If can't escape, and I have to put up with it I try my best. But if they look at me I don't smile. I don't like looking at them. They scare me. Medication only helped for so long.
Another is when baby's are sleeping. This may sound strange to you but I don't see a sleeping baby. Basically, putting it gently, I get horrible feelings like I need to rush to wake them to make sure they aren't dead. It's a HORRIBLE horrible feeling. It's scary and I hate it. I've done SO many things to try and change it. But my attempts have never proven faithful. It's strange to feel I need to save them, even though they scare me.
When I become a nurse, I'd really like to work with children and babies. I want to work with children with cancer. How can I do that unless I get help with my anxiety? For that matter what about children of my own? How's that going to be with this issue? Some people might think it'd be easy. Well excuse me, but nothing about the loss of a child is easy. Including wanting and trying for more little ones.
I seem to have made this seemly faithful, yet proving to be detrimental, promise to my baby: 'I'll never hold another until we have our next child. That's what I got to do with Naimah and no one is taking it from me.' I do not want our other children to feel negatively about Naimah. I want them all to feel loved, not replaced. To know that she is their sister and we loved her. But that they are wanted! That they are also very special.
I do not think I will be able to just flip some switch when our next baby is born. Even so, I do think another baby would be a wonderful thing for my heart when the time is right. But that time is not now.
I miss her. Sometimes I still get the "I can't believe she's gone" feeling. The "Why didn't I do this or that" feeling. And even the "I could've saved her life if I just was checking on her earlier.." desire. But it doesn't change the facts:
She's where she should be. She is still my daughter. I feel her close to me often. I love her more every day.
Mommies hold other babies. They don't love their own children any less just because of that. I know this. But I seem to think I'm the exception. That I would some how be showing dishonor to her life and death by allowing any other baby into my heart. I did that with Mercy, and she's gone too. Even though she's not my own, I loved her and it did hurt when she had to go. I feel that I would be an even worse mother than I already feel by holding another baby if they are not mine. To write and read this makes me think this person thinking this stuff is ridiculous. Well I am. I'm ridiculously in love with a baby I wanted so much, held so much, and now am missing so much.
TIME. It's going to take TIME. I can't rush it or push myself with this one. This may work for some people. That's not the right thing for me. I just need to whip my heart into shape. Just like I've been doing with my body, and let me tell ya! It's a WHOLE LOT of work. Wish me luck!
13 comments:
I LOOOOOVEEEE YOU!! I don't think for one second you should feel any sort of rediculous for ANY way that you feel! You are Beautifully You and Naimaih is Beautifully yours forever! Knowing she is where she needs to be does not make the pain any less and you will know when the time is right for you to love another little baby just as much as you love your Angel! You are an AMAZING woman, wife and Mother! And you too are just where you should be its ok to still feel such a loss.. I tell people it is not just a year or two till I get back to 'normal' (I hate that word sometimes) It will be a lifetime of grieving, of loving, and of feeling the loss of one of our own. You're so Inspiring! Happee Birthday to your sweet little Angel! LOVE YOU SISTER!
Caroline, you're so brave and courageous. Your posts always tug at my heart strings. I think you're amazing (and Emil too). Since meeting you and the death of your sweet Naimah, I've befriended 6 other women, who also lost precious ones like you. It's amazing that all 7 of you have handled the situation and circumstances entirely different. The pattern that seems to work the best is that the ones who continue to turn to Heavenly Father and the Savior are the ones who are healing. You can't really compare anyone who has been in this situation, because everyone is so different. You're so good, Caroline. No doubt, you are and were an amazing mother. You just have to keep fueling your faith and testimony with the Gospel. Some day you will be reunited with your sweet Naimah. It's hard to imagine how joyful that day will feel. Until now, just keep being faithful and keeping the commandments so that you can live with her. I don't think any of the feelings you've described are abnormal or off track. Anyone who has been through your trial would have the same thoughts (and I'm pretty sure these other friends do). We love you. I know I don't write much, but we still pray for you guys. We'll be thinking of Baby Naimah on her 3rd birthday.
I don't know if your therapist has suggested it, and it might not be what works for you.
My friend lost her second born, her first son, and though she thinks of him all year long, the week of his birthday is when she allows herself to mourn until her heart's content. Visit's to his grave, time along to just cry, whatever it takes. She says this helps, yeah she might tear up through the year if something touches that spot of her heart, but truly she says the desire to bawl and bawl no longer exists because she gives herself the time to. :)
~C
Caroline,
What a beautiful, candid post. Bless you. You are a strong woman enduring a very heavy trial. Continue forward.
We are so much a like in so many ways. I am actually starting therapy this week. I'm excited, and nervous. I'm hoping to be able to become better through therapy. I'm expecting it to be hard and difficult and it worries me. But, I know it's a step I need to take. I need to understand myself and my, often times unpredictable, anger.
You and Emil are on your own time line. You don't need to follow the same paths as anyone. It is your own path, your own timing, and your own healing. That's what I keep telling myself.
I agree with your friend above... everyone handles their grief in different ways. I believe there is neither a right or wrong way. As long as grief brings you closer to Heavenly Father then you are always headed in the right direction.
Knowing when to continue your family is a very difficult decision too. It comes with a lot of questions and worry. I understand. I understand.
I'm grateful you were able to hold Mercy. She knows you. She knows your little angel too. In fact, I bet they're good, good friends.
Blessings,
Ashley
Love you, sister. We are always thinking about you. Happy Birthday, Naimah! I don't think anything you are feeling or thinking is irrational or ridiculous. I think everyone heals differently, and really the most healing comes from acknowledging and expressing how we feel, and like Clerissa says, allowing ourselves to hurt. Otherwise you bottle it up like a certain sister of yours and it just festers. I hope I can be brave enough to follow your shining example. And I hope you don't feel burdened by everyone's love and admiration for you. Reach out when you need help. We are all here for you. Good luck! :)
Love, Anne
I love you so much Caroline. You amaze me, you always have. If anyone can get over anxiety it is you. I have full faith that you'll get past this stage, and it doesn't matter how long it takes. I miss Naimah, I'm sure her birthday will be a special one. I'll be thinking of both of you all day.
Caroline you are amazing!! To even contemplate this heavy load that you have been called to bear, makes my heart break. I sure love you and think about you often. Happy Birthday Naimah! You really do give me the courage to face my difficulties - I hope you know that. You really are enduring it well and strengthening everyone else along the way. Good luck with therapy!
Oh, how I love you, my sweet little sister!! I wish I could be there to give you a big hug and just talk for hours about whatev. One thing I am quite sure of is that our little Naimah would not feel betrayed if you loved another baby. In fact, I picture her inciting some huge celebration in heaven to cheer on the giant step her brave mommy has made.
That said, we all have our own issues to deal with in our own time. I hope you know that I will always support you in taking as much time as you need. Feel what you need to feel. That is part of the healing process. I love you so very much. -deedee
I read your post last night before I went to bed and woke up thinking about you guys.
I remember the day you held beautiful Mercydez. I remember when you said you had made the decision to hold another baby and that you wanted that to be sweet, innocent, perfect Mercydez. I remember when Nic, in his masculine way, just handed her over to you. He didn't even think twice. I agree with Ashley. I think Mercydez KNOWS you. I believe the same as Ashley: Mercydez and Naimah are dear friends. They have so much in common.
I am grateful for one HUGE lesson Nic and Ashley have taught me. It is this: It is okay to FEEL. If you feel angry, allow yourself to be okay with it. If you feel sad, allow yourself to be okay with it. If you feel joyous, allow yourself to be okay with it. EACH FEELING IS VALID. EACH FEELING IS IMPORTANT. EACH FEELING IS REAL.
I can't say I blame you about feeling the way you do towards little children. I claim to understand your feelings - only to the smallest degree. After Mercydez passed away I was ANGRY. I hated people who had children. I hated people who took their babies shopping at the grocery store. I hated parents who would get upset at their child for crying! AT LEAST THEIR CHILD WAS HERE TO CRY! I hated seeing children. Healthy. Starting to walk. Starting to talk. ...just STARTING. I wanted that for Nic and Ashley. I wanted that for my baby, Mercydez.
With all that hatred Ashley has taught me it's okay to feel. My feelings are valid. Caroline, YOUR feelings are valid.
In all your mourning try to remember (in those moments of light when you're able to) what President Monson said. I'll paraphrase:
"It is vitally important to feel, to grieve, to cry. It is equally important NOT to dwell."
Allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to to hurt. You are a beautiful mommy. Emily is a beautiful daddy. Naimah is a beautiful, eternal, celestial girl. And through your tears of sorrow, when you're able to, remember to smile. You have her eternally.
I truly hope I don't come off as lecturing you. I am only sharing one of my truth's with you. And just because it's my truth doesn't mean it will be yours.
I love you, Emil & Caroline. I think the world of people like you two and Nic and Ash. It is rare to find couples so worthy of a CELESTIAL child. I know she is proud of you and Emil. I know she is happy with where you're at. I know she is aware of your lives. She understands. Just like Mercydez.
Oh, I meant to mention that I would love to put balloons on her grave, if you guys aren't able to. I know Ashley did it last year for you, a great honor for her.
Please don't feel obligated to say yes. I know it's a very sacred situation. The offer is there if it's one you feel comfortable and okay with. Truly, though. There is NO pressure.
I love you both.
Isabelle & I love you, grieve for you. If there is any way Isabelle & I can help. please allow us to do so. You helped SO MUCH with your trip last Sat. I wish I could do that for you. You give the emotional support to so many. In your area of need, is there anyone who can comfort you? I hope all of your friends & family can contribute to the comfort & healing needed. I love & respect you. I know you are beloved of God. thank you for being my daughter & offering your life for that precious little grand daughter, who is now an adult hand maid of the Lord. Carry on!
Love always, Mom
Caroline!
You are so amazing! I am sure you don't feel that way, however, the very fact that you are willing to share with us your heart is so humbling! The only one that can truly know or understand what you are feeling is our Savior and Heavenly Father. I can't try to imagine the heartache, sorrow, or amount of tears you experience, however, you are enduring it VERY WELL!!!! WE love you!!! If there is anything we can do to help, I am here!
Love ya,
Kerianda
Caroline, My heart goes out to you. Every year I too think of Naimah. I remember how helpless I felt as I sat in Texas and thought about your pain. You are a courageous woman. I wish I could know you better because I know Emil and I know what kind of woman he must have married. Maybe someday? Anyway, my thoughts and prayers are with you. You know your heart and your spirit and what the Lord wants for you. Good Luck with everything.
Love,
Heather
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