Sometimes, being a Mommy for me feels unreal. But I have my Savior and Father in Heaven to thank for the privilege. Because even though I don't have the car seat, diaper bag, and nursery to prove I am a Mommy, I did once. And that's more than many people get in they're lives.
She's always watching Emil and I. We are still close. We "chat", she makes me laugh still, and that is really fun! I'm smiling just thinking about it! Believe or believe it, she likes animals just like Emil and I do!
Emil ADORES Naimah, and she is so much like him. Look at how perfect they are!! He spent hours up at night with her, they danced, he sang, and she LOVED it! He even had his own way of calming her down, which if I tried she didn't like..haha! It was something only Daddy could do. How funny!
And how can I forget KINGSTON!? I was SO sad on Sunday. Just sobbing most of the day missing my baby girl..and there Kingston was, right next to me. As always. (Hoku cares too..but doesn't really get it, haha!) He was staring at me, and sniffing my salty tears. He just kept looking at me and then came close, to snuggle. I LOVE HIM! I know that he was sent to us. He was always a good doggy to Naimah. Never too rough, and they snuggled a lot. She still has something special with him.
Our kiss good-bye, will only be held in this picture while she serves her "mission". But then we will have her just the way we left each other, IF we can serve our missions well.
I'm feeling thankful in the way I was comforted in my tears on Sunday. This is my life though. I will always cry and ache for her. But I will always be grateful too. "Why do I share this", you may ask? Because she IS our life. She has become something I never would've known w/o her death. Even though it has broken my heart, it is continually mending for the same reason. I don't understand it either, but I don't have to, because I know it. "How do I even know this", you may wonder? That is for me to know, and you to wonder. She is more than doing well; she's doing PERFECT.
20 comments:
hey ... what a great little window into your heart! i love you! i love you for sharing this, for working so hard to make it the post you wanted it to be. i am glad Kingston is there to snuggle with you. i love you guys! i don't really have the words to express what it is. big hug! see you in a few months!
Caroline and Emil,
That entry was beautiful. It touched my heart and my spirit. I can't begin to tell you the peace I felt as I read your thoughts and feelings. Naimah is so beautiful. I'm so sorry you had to say goodbye to her at all. Heavenly Father has great blessings in store for the two of you. You are amazing people with amazing hearts. I'm so sorry that you have to experience this sorrow. I admire your testimony and strength. And, yes, she is perfect. She is perfect in every way. As are her mommy and daddy.
Thanks for sharing. Seriously, my friend, I can only hope to be as strong and spiritual as you and your hubs are :)
~C
I'm not much of a blog surfer, but I'm glad I became one today and clicked on your blog. What beautiful entry. We lost our Dex just a few months ago and I can really relate to a lot of the feelings that you describe. So much pain and sorrow combined with unspeakable peace, joy, happiness, and comfort. Thanks so much for sharing your feelings.
I can't imagine what losing a child must be like. Thank you so much for sharing these personal things. It makes me want to be better and have faith through my much SMALLER trials. I love you guys! I hope we get to see each other at the reunion. :)
Thanks for sharing. You are a fantastic Mom because you know how to love. And most importantly you know where to turn for peace and comfort...what a great example to all the rest of us who struggle with that. I feel privelaged to have the opportunity to get to know you and Emil!
Thanks for sharing Caroline! :) There really is something more special and sacred about having a child on a mission on the other side than anyone (other than people who have lost a child) even realizes isn't there? You ARE a mom, to a Celestial little spirit. :) You and Emil are definitely amazing.
It is such a blessing to be a part of the Gospel, but not only that... to have a testimony and faith in the Gospel! :) That's what REALLY gets us through! I think we are blessed because we have a huge incentive to live worthily to be with our little ones again. I love you! Thanks again for sharing. And you really should come over sometime! :) It would be great.
You are a light and a true example!!! I love you guys and I am too truly thankful for the gospel and the knowledge that we have!!! FAMILIES CAN BE TOGEHTER FOEVER!!!
Caroline! As i sit here wallowing in my own pity, I read your blog and realize how ungrateful and selfish I am! THANK YOU!!!!! I forget how much Heavenly Father shows his mercy to me and that my problems are to remind me how the Savior suffered, so that I can have all! I find myself wishing this life away thinking that if I could only be past this veil I would be happier. I need to be reminded to find joy now and know that I have everything to live for! THANK YOU!! I appreciate you allowing us into your lives and your sweet, honest feelings! I love you!!
Kerianda
caroline and emil! You two are the best examples of unwavering faith in our Savior! Naimah is blessed to have such righteous parents, and I feel blessed just to know you! Thank you for sharing!!! ::HUGS::
Caroline...how precious! You are incredible and I feel privileged to call you a friend!
Caroline,
I've only met you once but I am grateful that know you and Emil. You probably don't remember meeting me but I am thankful for your strength. I think of it often. I admire your perseverance. I know Emil is amazing and I'm so glad he found someone just as amazing to share his life with.
So sweet and you have such a great out look on it even though it is hard at times. I know you have always been a big spiritual help to me in hard times that I have been through and I hope I can do the same for you. I love you guys!
Every once in a while I stumble upon your blog and today I decided that I need to make a comment.
Caroline...I haven't seen you since jr. high. Time flies.
But I just wanted to leave a comment and say thanks for this post. You brought me to tears. What a wonderful Mommy and Daddy you two are. Like Ashlee said you make me want to do and be better.
Thanks. I hope all is well with both of you.
Paige "Bushnell"
My heart goes out to you! What you've been through has made you a stronger better person and your future kids have Naimah to thank. You guys will be parents again and I can't wait!
You are amazing. Both of you. Thanks for sharing this sweet post. My heart strings have been tugged again, and I'm reminded of the love our Father-in-Heaven has for each of us and the plan He has as well. Thanks for your examples of humility and endurance and submission and Christlike attributes. I feel closer to the Savior when I talk to you/read about your lives.
Beautiful Caroline, you are a woman of courage, inner beauty and faith, and so many other things. Thank you so much for your faith, for sharing your experiences and blessed perspective. Love you dear sister.
I know you got alot of comments, but I just wanted to let you know how much I think of you guys on a daily basis. It has and will always be my greatest fear to have what happened to you , happen to me in any form. I marvel at your strength and wonder and pray for you ALL THE TIME! Oh what wonderful spirits you are! I love you and miss you, I'm so grateful to know you and I want you to know I am more thankful for my girls each day because of your amazing testimony and example. I love you and thank you again for all you teach me. Naimah is beautiful and it makes my heart glad that you're so very close still to her. God bless you, thank you.
Caroline,
this made me cry! You and Emil are so strong!
I am coming up there in a few weeks. Me and Malia will have to come visit again. miss you guys.
hope all is well
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