We are headed to Lindon to visit her little grave, it's gonna be a tough but sweet day. Hope you like the pictures, she sure is BEAUTIFUL.
6.22.2010
6.21.2010
3 yrs old
Oh sweet baby girl, how mommy and daddy miss you. We love you more all the time. Thank you for what you have shown us this year. Thank you for staying close and always watching us. Even if it is hard to watch us stumble, we really are trying our best to live up to the gift of being your parents. Happy Birthday our sweet Angel Naimah!
Our hearts are yours, always.
Love,
Mommy & Daddy
6.18.2010
Memory
This is what we did last year for Naimah's Birthday...it was nice and fun.
We are NOT pronounced singers or anything, this is just something we wanted to share because we are nice...and have good self esteem! haha!
We are NOT pronounced singers or anything, this is just something we wanted to share because we are nice...and have good self esteem! haha!
6.15.2010
It's coming
Naimah's Birthday is next Tuesday. I am really missing her. As usual...but oh SO very much lately. She would be three. Three!! Wow.
I'm kind of embarrassed that I'm still having the issues I'm having, after almost 3yrs. But I knew I needed more help. So, I've been going to counseling for almost 2 months now. It's been really wonderful. But really, really hard too. I know things are just as they should be, that Naimah left when she was suppose to. But that doesn't change my human mind and heart. I've "collected" compulsions to deal with my healing that are hurting my future.
Before the trauma of Naimah's death, and all that took place, I was the Aunt who babysat! I LOVED it! I held babies ALL the time! I'm not kidding. When I was at church, I was always holding someone's baby. Always babysitting, always going over to my sister's houses to play with them. That's what I did in my spare time for quite a long time. I also helped raise my niece Isabelle for a time when she was young. I just loved it all.
What a STARK difference it's been to go from that to this...
You see, I have not held a baby since Naimah passed away. The youngest baby I held was a sweet Angel named Merceydez, and she was 10 months old at that time. She is VERY special and dear to my heart. I love her so much...it's even making me cry at this very moment to think about Mercy and all she did for others. She passed away after enduring it WELL. I haven't held any other baby since her. I haven't even let them touch me. Even thinking about a babies touch makes me cringe and get anxious.
I get major anxiety around babies. My heart pounds SO hard, I get sweaty, I feel like I'm having a heart attack, I try to be tough but it's so hard. I Can't think well and my mind races. If they are being held, in a car seat, or what have you, and they are headed my way I'm OUTTA there! More than the anxiety, it's flowering into something blank. If can't escape, and I have to put up with it I try my best. But if they look at me I don't smile. I don't like looking at them. They scare me. Medication only helped for so long.
Another is when baby's are sleeping. This may sound strange to you but I don't see a sleeping baby. Basically, putting it gently, I get horrible feelings like I need to rush to wake them to make sure they aren't dead. It's a HORRIBLE horrible feeling. It's scary and I hate it. I've done SO many things to try and change it. But my attempts have never proven faithful. It's strange to feel I need to save them, even though they scare me.
When I become a nurse, I'd really like to work with children and babies. I want to work with children with cancer. How can I do that unless I get help with my anxiety? For that matter what about children of my own? How's that going to be with this issue? Some people might think it'd be easy. Well excuse me, but nothing about the loss of a child is easy. Including wanting and trying for more little ones.
I seem to have made this seemly faithful, yet proving to be detrimental, promise to my baby: 'I'll never hold another until we have our next child. That's what I got to do with Naimah and no one is taking it from me.' I do not want our other children to feel negatively about Naimah. I want them all to feel loved, not replaced. To know that she is their sister and we loved her. But that they are wanted! That they are also very special.
I do not think I will be able to just flip some switch when our next baby is born. Even so, I do think another baby would be a wonderful thing for my heart when the time is right. But that time is not now.
I miss her. Sometimes I still get the "I can't believe she's gone" feeling. The "Why didn't I do this or that" feeling. And even the "I could've saved her life if I just was checking on her earlier.." desire. But it doesn't change the facts:
She's where she should be. She is still my daughter. I feel her close to me often. I love her more every day.
Mommies hold other babies. They don't love their own children any less just because of that. I know this. But I seem to think I'm the exception. That I would some how be showing dishonor to her life and death by allowing any other baby into my heart. I did that with Mercy, and she's gone too. Even though she's not my own, I loved her and it did hurt when she had to go. I feel that I would be an even worse mother than I already feel by holding another baby if they are not mine. To write and read this makes me think this person thinking this stuff is ridiculous. Well I am. I'm ridiculously in love with a baby I wanted so much, held so much, and now am missing so much.
TIME. It's going to take TIME. I can't rush it or push myself with this one. This may work for some people. That's not the right thing for me. I just need to whip my heart into shape. Just like I've been doing with my body, and let me tell ya! It's a WHOLE LOT of work. Wish me luck!
I'm kind of embarrassed that I'm still having the issues I'm having, after almost 3yrs. But I knew I needed more help. So, I've been going to counseling for almost 2 months now. It's been really wonderful. But really, really hard too. I know things are just as they should be, that Naimah left when she was suppose to. But that doesn't change my human mind and heart. I've "collected" compulsions to deal with my healing that are hurting my future.
Before the trauma of Naimah's death, and all that took place, I was the Aunt who babysat! I LOVED it! I held babies ALL the time! I'm not kidding. When I was at church, I was always holding someone's baby. Always babysitting, always going over to my sister's houses to play with them. That's what I did in my spare time for quite a long time. I also helped raise my niece Isabelle for a time when she was young. I just loved it all.
What a STARK difference it's been to go from that to this...
You see, I have not held a baby since Naimah passed away. The youngest baby I held was a sweet Angel named Merceydez, and she was 10 months old at that time. She is VERY special and dear to my heart. I love her so much...it's even making me cry at this very moment to think about Mercy and all she did for others. She passed away after enduring it WELL. I haven't held any other baby since her. I haven't even let them touch me. Even thinking about a babies touch makes me cringe and get anxious.
I get major anxiety around babies. My heart pounds SO hard, I get sweaty, I feel like I'm having a heart attack, I try to be tough but it's so hard. I Can't think well and my mind races. If they are being held, in a car seat, or what have you, and they are headed my way I'm OUTTA there! More than the anxiety, it's flowering into something blank. If can't escape, and I have to put up with it I try my best. But if they look at me I don't smile. I don't like looking at them. They scare me. Medication only helped for so long.
Another is when baby's are sleeping. This may sound strange to you but I don't see a sleeping baby. Basically, putting it gently, I get horrible feelings like I need to rush to wake them to make sure they aren't dead. It's a HORRIBLE horrible feeling. It's scary and I hate it. I've done SO many things to try and change it. But my attempts have never proven faithful. It's strange to feel I need to save them, even though they scare me.
When I become a nurse, I'd really like to work with children and babies. I want to work with children with cancer. How can I do that unless I get help with my anxiety? For that matter what about children of my own? How's that going to be with this issue? Some people might think it'd be easy. Well excuse me, but nothing about the loss of a child is easy. Including wanting and trying for more little ones.
I seem to have made this seemly faithful, yet proving to be detrimental, promise to my baby: 'I'll never hold another until we have our next child. That's what I got to do with Naimah and no one is taking it from me.' I do not want our other children to feel negatively about Naimah. I want them all to feel loved, not replaced. To know that she is their sister and we loved her. But that they are wanted! That they are also very special.
I do not think I will be able to just flip some switch when our next baby is born. Even so, I do think another baby would be a wonderful thing for my heart when the time is right. But that time is not now.
I miss her. Sometimes I still get the "I can't believe she's gone" feeling. The "Why didn't I do this or that" feeling. And even the "I could've saved her life if I just was checking on her earlier.." desire. But it doesn't change the facts:
She's where she should be. She is still my daughter. I feel her close to me often. I love her more every day.
Mommies hold other babies. They don't love their own children any less just because of that. I know this. But I seem to think I'm the exception. That I would some how be showing dishonor to her life and death by allowing any other baby into my heart. I did that with Mercy, and she's gone too. Even though she's not my own, I loved her and it did hurt when she had to go. I feel that I would be an even worse mother than I already feel by holding another baby if they are not mine. To write and read this makes me think this person thinking this stuff is ridiculous. Well I am. I'm ridiculously in love with a baby I wanted so much, held so much, and now am missing so much.
TIME. It's going to take TIME. I can't rush it or push myself with this one. This may work for some people. That's not the right thing for me. I just need to whip my heart into shape. Just like I've been doing with my body, and let me tell ya! It's a WHOLE LOT of work. Wish me luck!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)