Tears

I miss Naimah a LOT today. I miss this...

I ache do to this again.

I would LOVE to see these two with each other..she sucked Emil's lip a lot haha!

The tears are just flowing today. I am home doing homework trying so hard to focus. But here I am.

I want to THANK YOU. ALL my wonderful friends and family, and passerbys, for your kind words and support. Each time I post about my baby girl, I get a comment or 7 ;) that really encourage me and lift me up. I feel so blessed! So incredibly blessed to have people around me that care and pray for me still!

You may already know this but, please keep in mind that my sorrow does NOT mean I have lost faith. I hope that you don't misunderstand these posts of pain and sorrow and think that I need to just get over it or that we should be ready for more children by now, or something like that. I hope that you know I am happy. I hope that you see I am LIVING. I'm putting this out there because I have been told this and many other hurtful things by those who care very much for me, but it does not help me. Maybe it helps others, but I am not among them. It makes me feel alone. It makes me feel that even those that love me very much have forgotten that I am a slow healer. I may not cry everyday as I did once, but my heart is the same heart that watched my first child die in my arms. It was more than very painful. It broke my heart. My heart is still mending, 2 years later. Because of my Faith in what life is yet to come, and my Redeemer, I also felt great joy that will last my whole life. I don't think I will ever stop writing about my little Naiya. Ever. I will always be remembering.

I also remember the Angel's near us at that time, AND since. The way it felt to be surrounded by them! It was immaculate. I know that a beautiful day will come. It seems far, but not so far. I do not dwell on that day, but I chose to live in each day as it is given to me. I look forward to that day as I make different choices now, waiting for something better later.

One of those choices happened on August 9th 2007. We were asked by the doctors to make the choice of leaving Naimah on or taking her off life support. Because of the circumstances there was little time to decide. We didn't want to make that choice. We just broke down and wept. Wept profusely. We couldn't think. We got on our knees and wept more. No words came. Finally we muttered a few things and got up from our knees. As we looked at each other, we both felt Naimah. We knew what it was she wanted. We didn't feel we could bare it, but we felt a simple smile from our baby...who now seemed to be the grown up. And we listened. Finding her in her little bed in the early hours the day before seemed so unreal, it still does. We just couldn't believe it but we did the best we could with what we had, and still do.

I will have many more tearful days. Tears for Naimah, tears for myself. Tears for friends, family, AND strangers. Tears that, I have EXPERIENCED, can ONLY be wiped away by the very hand that was pierced for me. For all of us.