Tears

I miss Naimah a LOT today. I miss this...

I ache do to this again.

I would LOVE to see these two with each other..she sucked Emil's lip a lot haha!

The tears are just flowing today. I am home doing homework trying so hard to focus. But here I am.

I want to THANK YOU. ALL my wonderful friends and family, and passerbys, for your kind words and support. Each time I post about my baby girl, I get a comment or 7 ;) that really encourage me and lift me up. I feel so blessed! So incredibly blessed to have people around me that care and pray for me still!

You may already know this but, please keep in mind that my sorrow does NOT mean I have lost faith. I hope that you don't misunderstand these posts of pain and sorrow and think that I need to just get over it or that we should be ready for more children by now, or something like that. I hope that you know I am happy. I hope that you see I am LIVING. I'm putting this out there because I have been told this and many other hurtful things by those who care very much for me, but it does not help me. Maybe it helps others, but I am not among them. It makes me feel alone. It makes me feel that even those that love me very much have forgotten that I am a slow healer. I may not cry everyday as I did once, but my heart is the same heart that watched my first child die in my arms. It was more than very painful. It broke my heart. My heart is still mending, 2 years later. Because of my Faith in what life is yet to come, and my Redeemer, I also felt great joy that will last my whole life. I don't think I will ever stop writing about my little Naiya. Ever. I will always be remembering.

I also remember the Angel's near us at that time, AND since. The way it felt to be surrounded by them! It was immaculate. I know that a beautiful day will come. It seems far, but not so far. I do not dwell on that day, but I chose to live in each day as it is given to me. I look forward to that day as I make different choices now, waiting for something better later.

One of those choices happened on August 9th 2007. We were asked by the doctors to make the choice of leaving Naimah on or taking her off life support. Because of the circumstances there was little time to decide. We didn't want to make that choice. We just broke down and wept. Wept profusely. We couldn't think. We got on our knees and wept more. No words came. Finally we muttered a few things and got up from our knees. As we looked at each other, we both felt Naimah. We knew what it was she wanted. We didn't feel we could bare it, but we felt a simple smile from our baby...who now seemed to be the grown up. And we listened. Finding her in her little bed in the early hours the day before seemed so unreal, it still does. We just couldn't believe it but we did the best we could with what we had, and still do.

I will have many more tearful days. Tears for Naimah, tears for myself. Tears for friends, family, AND strangers. Tears that, I have EXPERIENCED, can ONLY be wiped away by the very hand that was pierced for me. For all of us.

Happy Halloween...

I was a biker chic for my work Halloween Party...

We trimed Emil's hair and this is what happened...

Emil Karaoke-rockin'-it with our friends tonight!

We are PUNKS.

In another life, I might just look like this...

We had fun! Now for wiping off ALL our make-up and getting comfortable! :)

This is a...

Farewell to our condo! As of this past Thursday we sold it and are no longer home owners! We are sad to leave LONG life friends and our neighbors. But it is a RELIEF to have such a heavy burden lifted after 3 years. We learned a lot about how much we didn't know going into it, but it's been for our own good to have this experience. Many wonderful things have happened to us in this home...one of the most important to us thus far is our little baby girl, and all that we saw, felt, and grew from in loosing her. However, it was time for us to move. And we are feeling good about it!

We will post pictures of our new place soon. We are renting a very charming little home in Logan closer to USU. The doggies have a yard! THEY LOVE IT, and so do we! It's all so new still but feels like home. My work hours were cut A LOT and what a blessing it is to be living where we do now. Some positive things will come of it though. It's going to be a great challenge and plans we had will have to change.. :( BUT, it will be okay. Somehow...

While we cleaned up the condo for our buyers, Emil wrote my a cute note...

Hmmm, I DO love me a POLY! :)

Shu fly don't bother ME!

Well I'm trying NOT to be this way, but I feel incredibly bizzle!! I work 9-5 and go straight to school. Have class until 9 or 10p.m., get home do homework, and then try to pack up boxes with Emil for a bit, and CRASH. Then I get to bed and wake up around 5a.m. (or earlier) and do more homework. Both Emil and I have keep this schedule since he got back from Israel...that is a post for him to make not I... We are busy, but not too busy for each other. We make that time, even if it's 5 minutes. We make that time to focus on nothing else but each other. Our sweet doggies go on morning walks with us and that's about it until the weekend...we throw stuff around in the house for them to play with but the poor things! They are copping with our schedules alright, but it makes them tired so that's good! We also try to take some personal time in the mornings and somehow...we get what we need done. Weekends are even more packed with the things to do for packing up boxes and throwing junk away. We hope to be moving soon...but we'll see! I feel like I'm being helped sooo much with school. I've always struggled with school. My drug calculations class is very hard. Keeping up on having a test every class period is new for me. I have goals that I want to keep and I really have no other way to do it but with this schedule 6 days a week..somehow it's coming together...but there is more to come.

I must do my work not just have faith that I'll pass classes...and I'm doing the best with what I have to work with. I hope it is enough... However, I've experienced things that have taught me that somehow, we have even more than we know. Sometimes it may feel like we aren't ready for that knowledge. But there it is anyway.

I'm so thankful for prayer. So thankful for who I've become.

I don't mean to have disappeared. I don't mean to be sooo absent. I am just FOCUSED. And I'm trying to make it a new habit! Even then I feel that my slack is being picked up by an unseen, but very real force. I'm glad to feel it with me. And so starts another busy day!!