And here it is

October is a special month. As of 1988, has been dedicated to the loss of babies. It is officially called: SIDS, Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. I'm remembering all the babies born sleeping. Their parents and families who miss them. Those carried but never held. Those held but could not come home. Even the little ones who came home but didn't stay...like my Angel. Remembering these sweet Angels and their families ALWAYS brings me to her. Yay! I LOVE talking about her! She's brought so much to my life. Amazing. My baby has introduced me to what growing up really is.

I miss her each day. But something is different lately. Lately, I've been observing. Observing myself and making a conscious effort to improve. Improve how I remember Naimah. A few posts ago I talked in more detail about it. I seem to have made a promise to not get close to another baby because of selfish reasons. I don't think they are bad reasons though. Not to toot my own horn, but I'm good with babies. Perfect? NO. But, I'm good with little ones and children. I'm more comfortable around them than adults. I've missed the joy in it. I haven't just been depriving myself on purpose. I have been holding on too long to certain pieces of my broken heart.
And if I say so myself, the little ones have missed out too ;). I know how to give. Perfectly? Um, NO. Say what?? In no way am I saying I'm the all knowing super human when it comes to children. Never was. I'm totally fine with that. I'm just working on not give up on all babies because mine is not here. I'm taking baby steps. Ironic? Oh yea! VERY. Taking baby steps to babies, haha.

If Naimah were face to face with me and we could have a conversation about what I've done in her memory, I wouldn't want to tell her I haven't held any babies since I held her for the last time. How would she feel? Honored? As her mother, I think I have every right to assume the answer would be, No. I've done other things to honor her. However, that would not be the word to describe my anxiety and distance I've to allowed to take over.

Pieces of Heaven? Yes, they are. Babies change people. Even if just for a time. That's a power that the most "powerful" beings on earth can't even understand. And babies don't do much more than just show up. They arrive. In whatever shape or form. Maybe they don't stay. Maybe they even leave before they open their eyes. Before they can grow much bigger than a finger. No matter their tender state, they prick our hearts to such an extent that trying to share it with someone who hasn't been there with us, would be in vain.

Have I been wrong? I don't think that matters much. That's not what this is about. I can play the sh/c/would've game all my life. What it is about? Recovery. My "AA/NA" greeting starts something like this "Hi. I'm Caroline, and I'm a mother without the baby to prove it. I've been in recovery for 3 years." But there's no clapping. Just quiet. But I can't just stop going because it's quiet. I need to take it all in. Take in the quiet and roll with it. What's it coming to?

Faith. In what? Myself. That's all? No. But that is this step. The one I've landed on. And I haven't lost my ground. But all of the sudden, this step is so much different than the last one. I didn't change much. But it has changed me. I'm breathing differently.

What you talkin' 'bout gurl? Haha. Well. I'm saying I've gotten my "pin" in this step of my recovery. Something in me has changed. I didn't do anything really but stay consistent with a few things and there it was, staring at me. Am I saying that I'm all cured? No. Who is cured of anything? Come on now. If we know anything about growth, we know it doesn't work that way. It would feel like something is off. I do not like it when things are "off". I sense it.

I'm letting this take me. This step of faith in myself. Trusting myself to grow up again. I'm making the choice and I like what I'm feeling. It is a great sense of freedom to know EXACTLY what you are feeling and know it's right.

Hukuna Matata

I laughed SO much!! Emil and I were crying...oh boy! Love it!!

4 years today!

It's fun for me to remember the day we got married. We had our reception the night beforehand. Remembering those days is so nice.



There I am with my nieces, poor girls! They didn't wanna be away from their mommies!










A year later, to the very day, we could've never imagined what we would be doing...
It's really amazing all that you cannot comprehend you will experience in life. How much you plan and plan but at any moment it could change. For better or worse.

People have asked me how I feel about sharing our wedding anniversary with our daughter's burial date. My answer is always the same. We feel honored to share anything with her. There was so much irony, it was/is strange at times. Every year we remember, but we celebrate our marriage too. She has everything to do with it and we are proud to be her parents.

The most difficult thing we've every experienced in marriage wasn't due to our relationship as a couple. Yet it has brought our hearts and souls VERY close together. It has seasoned our marriage quickly in several ways and I am just that much more in love with Emil through it all.

This weekend we just played it cool. We didn't pack up to go anywhere. We got two extra days off and just did things we've been wanting to do for a while! We went to SLC, had a Harry Potter marathon, got massages, went to Bear Lake, rode bikes and I'll be making some fabulous spaghetti for a candle light dinner tonight.

So, we've been married 4 years today! I've mentioned this before but I'll say it again, it has been more fun than hard, more laughter than tears, and more growth than anything else I've done! It has been FUN. That is the word I would use to describe marriage more than ANY other. It is so much FUN.

Don't Rush 'em!

That jerk! I'm rootin' for the lady!